Chapter 189 - A Story of Piece of Youth
The boy woke up to the inorganic alarm sound of an alarm clock. The inside of the windowless room was pitch black, and the boy turned on the LED lantern he had placed by his pillow.
What was illuminated in the darkness were numerous fixtures with countless books lined up. Where the boy was sleeping was one of the tenants that had opened in the shopping mall as a bookstore. The boy had spread out a simple folding bed brought from an outdoor goods store there and was sleeping and waking up.
In the bedding store, there are high-quality down duvets and comfortable beds with thick mattresses, but those have already been taken by the residents of the landfill. The boy and the others who came later had no choice but to use unused stores as sleeping quarters. There are also vacant apartments outside the shopping mall, but it was concluded that it would be better to live together for safety and management, and now everyone, including the former members who became prisoners, is sleeping and waking up inside the shopping mall.
The hands of the clock pointed to 12:30 midnight. The boy thrust the handgun he had placed by his pillow into its holster and put on a chest rig with many pouches containing spare magazines and tool kits. And taking the suppressed carbine he had leaned against the bed, he went out to the hallway of the shopping mall from the entrance with the shutter left up.
His breath was white. During the day, the inside of the building was warm by taking in sunlight from the skylights on the roof and heating by solar power, but it had become completely cold at night. Electricity cannot yet be used in the entire building at night, and the residents are leading a life relying on kerosene heaters for heating.
When he turned on the flashlight, the scenery of the shopping mall with no one around is illuminated. Paper scraps and crushed cardboard boxes were scattered on the floor, and the ornamental plants had withered away. In the building that had become deathly quiet, only the boy's footsteps echo.
It could be said that it was almost inevitable that the residents of the landfill came to live in the shopping mall. All the supplies necessary for life were available in the shopping mall, and electricity can be used during the day thanks to the solar panels. Since the bridge connecting the landfill and the land had been destroyed, there was no worry about infected invading, but if the shutters of the service entrance of the shopping mall were lowered, they could hold out to some extent even if hostile groups attacked. Furthermore, because electricity cannot be used, the residents of the apartment have to go up and down the stairs every time they go out.
Above all, now that no information comes in from the outside at all, many people said they were anxious about spending time alone. Neither phones nor the internet can be used, and the TV doesn't show anything. In a pitch-black house at night, they have to spend time alone until morning. There was no one who could endure such an environment.
This landfill was in the middle of development, and the only completed things were one tower mansion and the shopping mall adjacent to it, and the number of residents living there was not so many, but even so, many people usually visited the shopping mall from inside and outside the landfill, and it was also a place of relaxation for the residents.
All the entrances and exits of the shopping mall are usually closed except for one. From one of them, the service entrance for employees, the boy went outside. From the city where all economic activities have stopped, neither the engine sound of cars nor the sound of trains running can be heard at all, and only the sound of waves is heard on the wind.
Cutting across the parking lot where abandoned passenger cars are lined up, he proceeds toward the direction where the bridge is. Several electric vehicles are lined up in the parking lot, and cables extending from them were drawn into the building. Those vehicles were originally owned by the residents of the landfill, and were now being used for power supply at night. They charge the drive batteries with solar power during the day, and use that electricity when it becomes night.
However, the number of vehicles is not enough to supply power to the entire building, and it is also necessary to modify the electrical system of the shopping mall. There are several electric vehicles brought out from the Brotherhood's base, but those are still placed on the land on the opposite shore. Because the removal of the barricade on the only bridge that was not destroyed is not proceeding as expected, it seemed it would take a little more time to bring them into the landfill.
"Good morning. Although, it's still the middle of the night."
The boy, who was suddenly called out from behind, felt a little heavy-hearted upon hearing that voice. Looking back, Rei, a girl with an impressive short haircut, was walking behind the boy. She is also one of the survivors who was in the all-girls boarding school where the boy had previously stayed, just like Aki and the others. And she is also one of the causes why the boy ended up jumping out of there.
"It seems I'm on guard duty with you today, nice to meet you."
"...Yeah."
That was the best he could do to respond. Even though it was the boy who shot and killed Yuko, whom they adored, Rei talks to him casually as if such a thing had never happened. Although it is natural, among the other students, there are those who hate the boy.
"Even though it's already spring, it's cold."
"Yeah."
"I wonder if it's that? Because of global warming? Since humans are gone, the amount of carbon dioxide emissions has also decreased, and the greenhouse effect has weakened or something."
While giving appropriate responses to Rei's words, the boy crosses the handmade drawbridge located a few minutes' walk from the shopping mall and moves to the opposite shore. In case of emergency, the bridge girder can be raised by operating the winch to prevent intrusion from the outside, but usually, the bridge girder is left lowered. Now, it was in the middle of the work of constructing barricades in the opposite shore area connected to the bridge and expanding the safe zone.
Where the two are heading now is also a place where a barricade was constructed just recently. The other side of the barricade is a danger zone where infected are swarming, and it is not known when hostile survivors might attack. Therefore, it was necessary to set up guards in shifts and keep an eye out for intruders from the outside.
Inside the barricade, a watchtower about 3 meters high, built by combining construction scaffolding, was provided. Under the simple roof of the watchtower, two figures were moving slightly.
"Is it time? I'll leave the rest to you."
When the boy climbed the ladder and called out, one of the figures responded. It's Chiba. The middle-aged man with Chiba was one of the residents of the landfill.
"Ugh, it's cold. I wish the guard duty was during the day."
"Everyone is doing it in order, don't complain."
While exchanging words in low voices, Chiba and the others come down the ladder. Chiba goes without saying, but the male resident also had a handgun hanging from his waist. It was no longer a situation where they could escape from the fight with the excuse that they are not young.
Sato seems to be thinking of having the residents of the landfill perform at least a minimum of self-defense as well. As expected, supply procurement requires agility in addition to physical strength, so old people will be a hindrance. But they should be able to do at least things like guarding and alerting.
In their place, the boy and Rei climbed the ladder and went up to the watchtower. On the part facing the barricade, an iron plate with a thickness that can block at least handgun bullets was stretched, assuming an attack from the outside. If they are shot with a rifle or such, it wouldn't last a moment, but in preparation for the case where the enemy brings out powerful weapons, a light machine gun was equipped on the watchtower.
However, so that those who are not used to handling weapons do not accidentally pull the trigger or cause an accidental discharge and make a gunshot echo, bullets are not loaded. The training of the residents has only just begun recently, and they have not reached a level where they can have a shootout with guns. If it is in a state where it can be fired just by pulling the trigger, they might pull the trigger without thinking about the surrounding situation in a panic when an infected appears.
From the watchtower, the road in front of the coast leading to the landfill can be seen at a glance. On the other side of the road blocked by abandoned cars, there is nothing moving. The boy, who picked up the night vision device placed on the table of the watchtower, fixed it to his head with a band and applied it to his eyes. In the field of vision that was suddenly dyed green, the surrounding scenery wrapped in darkness can be seen clearly.
"Ah, it started snowing."
Rei muttered, looking up at the sky. Even in the green field of vision of the night vision device, something white was starting to dance. The wind blew, and something cold hit his cheek. Even though it was already spring, it was starting to snow.
"I wonder why it's so cold."
"Who knows."
If it were this time last year, it was normal for the temperature to exceed 20 degrees, but there is no sign of the temperature rising at all. The boy thought about whether to tell Rei the story he heard from Sato, but he stopped because it was clear that nothing good would come of saying it.
According to what Sato told him, while the world's countries are in the height of confusion due to the occurrence of infected, there was a country that fired off nuclear weapons at other countries in the chaos. Did they want to blow away the swarms of refugees who could become a group of infected all at once, or did some stupid politician or military officer think to use this opportunity to permanently eliminate their enemies?
Back when the TV was still on, he saw news that tensions between countries involved in conflicts were rising due to the occurrence of infected. But that too was soon drowned out by the information on the surging number of dead and infected, and after infected occurred in Japan, news of other countries was not reported at all. On the net, rumors were flowing that in the Middle East, a certain country had started an invasion into neighboring countries busy with infected response and was killing other citizens without distinction between humans and infected, but according to what he heard from Sato, it seems that was true.
It is not known where and how many nuclear weapons were used. A so-called nuclear winter phenomenon might be occurring due to the large amount of dust blown up, and that might be affecting this abnormal weather. Or, as Rei thought, the greenhouse effect might have weakened because all human production activities stopped and there were no greenhouse gas emissions. Or, all of those might have nothing to do with it at all, and this year was simply a cold year.
In any case, those are events that happened in a range beyond the boy's reach. Whether a nuclear war is happening or it's a reaction to global warming, if it's caused by something he can't do anything about, it can't be helped. If it's something that has already happened and moreover nothing can be done about it, the situation will not improve even if he tells someone. That's why the boy said nothing to Rei's doubt.
A strong wind blew, and snow hit the boy's cheek. If it's this amount, the snow will likely melt by morning without accumulating. Thanks to the winter fleece and disposable heat pads, he is not feeling very cold, but if the temperature doesn't rise, the consumption of fuel for heating will also increase. If they don't start up the heating equipment that uses electricity soon, they will have to go out for fuel procurement at short intervals in the future too.
"...Hey, can I ask you something?"
While the boy was pondering the stockpile of fuel, Rei said without looking at his face. If possible, he didn't want to talk to her. Although various causes—the biggest cause was the weakness of the boy's heart—were overlapping, it was also her fault that the boy ended up jumping out of the safe academy.
But saying nothing in response would be rude and childish. Reluctantly, the boy opened his mouth.
"What is it?"
"Why did you leave without saying anything?"
Just as I thought, the boy thought. From their perspective, it's natural to have that doubt. The boy's action of leaving the academy, which was in a safe place far from human habitation, without saying anything must be incomprehensible.
But at that time, no matter how safe a place it was, the boy felt that that academy was not his place. One of the reasons was—.
"You know without me saying it, don't you?"
"Because I said I liked you?"
The boy nodded silently. At that time, various things were at their limit. He felt irritation toward Aki and the others who were living seemingly carefree, and there, for the first time in his life, he was told by someone that they liked him. The boy fled the scene without knowing what to do, and jumped out of the academy thinking this is not where he should be.
Thinking about it now, he thought how childish he was.
"Why did you do such a thing? To be honest, I don't remember doing anything that would make you like me."
"Then, does that mean I was rejected?"
"It's a problem before that. I hardly know you. I don't like or dislike you."
He had only been with Rei and the others for a few weeks, and until then, they were people whose faces and names he didn't know. That was the same for the other side, and he couldn't understand why she felt affection for the boy.
Once, Rei and Yuko, who were out for supply procurement, were caught by other survivors and taken hostage. At that time, the boy went to rescue them alone, but the method was too bloody. He tied a grenade to a girl of the same age who was an enemy and let it explode in the middle of the enemies, and killed everyone while they were in confusion. There were those who surrendered, but to leave no future trouble, he shot all of them, including women and children.
Normally thinking, it's strange to be felt affection for in the first place. Falling in love with the person who saved you is a story only in movies, and where is the person who would like someone who kills even women and children without mercy? At least if it were the boy, if the person who saved him was someone who killed even women and children, he would definitely not like them. Rather, he would hate them.
"Is it not okay to like someone if you don't know them well?"
"I've never liked someone I don't know well, you see."
"That might certainly be so. But, I think you don't need logic to like someone?"
It's snowing. The snow that fell on the ground melts in an instant, wetting the ground.
"Then I'll ask, what part of me did you think was good? No friendliness, bad attitude, on top of that, I even kill innocent people. ...I even killed your teacher."
It became sad as he said it, but it was a fact. Even if he regretted killing many people until now, the people he killed won't come back to life. Of course, there are also murders committed in self-defense after being attacked. But the boy killed too many other people for the selfish reason of his own safety.
"I've heard about the teacher. It was an accident, wasn't it? You were trying to save us from that man from the Brotherhood, weren't you?"
"Yeah, I tried to tell you that that man was dangerous. I wanted to teach you that it would be bad to be with him. But because my method was bad, the teacher died."
If only he could have talked more calmly at that time. Without drawing a gun in a hurry, if only he could have talked with Aki and the others. But it's too late to say that now. The boy fell right into the Brotherhood's trap and fired, and the bullet hit Yuko. And both the boy and Aki and the others ended up suffering.
"You helped us in the end. That's why I thought you were a good person, and I think I came to like you."
"I helped you?"
"When you came to the school, we only knew the disaster of the outside world through the TV and radio. If the school had been attacked by infected or other survivors, we who had made no preparations would have been killed without any means to do anything."
The sheltered daughters of the all-girls school literally didn't know the world. The abundant food that was stockpiled and the various facilities that allowed for a certain amount of self-sufficiency had been postponing the opportunity for them to go outside and confirm the world's present state indefinitely.
"But you came and taught us various things. At first, I thought you were a disagreeable guy, you know? You said whatever you wanted about us being carefree, ignorant of the world, and lacking a sense of crisis, and honestly, I hated you. But in the end, you helped us in various ways to survive in this world."
At first, he just wanted a place to sleep for a while. But while staying at the academy, the boy started teaching them how to use guns. He lent several weapons and taught them techniques so they could defend themselves. He went out to a nearby village with them and procured supplies.
"Thanks to that, even after you left, we were able to survive. We were able to go out for supply procurement ourselves, and avoid or defeat infected to secure safety. Well, a while after you left, a swarm of infected pushed in and we had no choice but to leave the school. But even so, the reason we were able to escape without letting anyone die at that time was because you had taught us how to fight."
Now everything seems nostalgic, but not even a few months have passed since the boy left them. But even after that, they have survived.
"Besides, even though it's strange to say after we were caught by the Brotherhood, you fought to save us after that too, didn't you? In the end, you have a side that can't abandon other people."
Is that really so, the boy thought. He has abandoned many people. Friends from his hometown, and people he met on the journey to get here. He ignored voices seeking help to survive himself, and sometimes even used them as decoys for infected.
"But the fact that you helped us doesn't change. You say you let many people die, but if I were placed in the same situation as you, I might do the same thing. You shouldn't blame yourself too much, thinking only you are bad."
"Is that so?"
"I think you're a good person in the end. You seem to think you committed a big mistake, but if you're human, isn't it natural to have one or two mistakes while living? Just because you were able to realize yourself that you were wrong, I think you're not as bad a person as you think."
Truly bad people don't realize they're doing something wrong until the end. Rei said so.
"I think that's why I came to like you too. So, what's the answer?"
It was a sudden confession again. He wondered if she was saying it seriously, the boy thought. He also wondered if she was just making fun of him and enjoying it.
"Because I couldn't hear your answer at that time. I don't mind whatever the answer is, you know?"
Even if told so, he didn't know his own feelings. Until now, he has been desperate to survive, and there was almost no leeway to think about things like liking someone.
In addition, the boy had not had much interest in Rei until now, and the time he spent thinking about her was also small.
But, being directed affection must be what it means. The boy also had a classmate he liked in middle school. The boy was always looking at her, but from her perspective, the boy was surely just one of the classmates and she had never held feelings beyond that.
In the end, he graduated from middle school without being able to say anything, and ended up going to a different high school from that girl. If the boy had told her his feelings at that time, would she have realized the boy's affection for the first time then?
"...I don't know you well. So I don't like or dislike you."
"And?"
"Besides, it's this situation now. I don't have the leeway to think about things like liking someone. So I'm sorry, but I can't give an answer now."
"Then, I wonder how long I should wait for an answer?"
Somehow she looks happy. The boy thought, looking at Rei's face. He never thought the day would come when he would say such a thing in his life.
"When this situation settles down someday, I want to give an answer then. If you still like me by then, though."
"In other words, you have confidence that you won't die until then. Interesting."
The day when this situation settles down is when the infected are eradicated and they can live safely. To atone for his sins, the boy could not die now. Saving more lives than the people he has killed so far. That is the path of atonement left for the boy.
"I understand, I'll wait until then. Also, can I ask one thing?"
"What is it?"
"How did it feel to be confessed to by someone?"
"...I might have been happy, maybe."
Unless the opponent is someone you hate, there would be no one who wouldn't be happy to be told they are liked by someone.
If only the world had remained peaceful, how happy it would have been. Being confessed to by a girl and dating, that is an ideal that every boy holds. Dating while wearing school uniforms, going home together, looking around the school festival together. If the world were peaceful, the boy would have been ecstatic at Rei's confession.
But that cannot be fulfilled in today's world. Those days when you talked with friends for hours about trivial things in the classroom after school with the sunset shining in, and finally went home after being scolded by the teacher when the sun went down, will not return.
The youth of the boy, no, the boys and girls including Aki and Rei who are living in Japan now, has become something cruel and blood-stained. If the world regained peace, would the day ever come when they look back on those times nostalgically, saying "Back then..."?
Even so, the boy thought, looking at Rei's profile.
Being confessed to by such a beauty who is out of place for someone like me must be a very wonderful thing. It's not all good things, on the contrary, it's every day of only bad things. Days when there are more painful things than fun things.
But no matter what the boy thought, whether it's wonderful days or the worst days, this moment will accumulate as a piece of youth and become an irreplaceable part that constitutes the life from now on. The fact that he was able to have such an experience in that instant might be a good thing in its own way.