Chapter 209 - Don't Think, Feel-ish Story
The recovery work of the bodies, continued by mobilizing those available in shifts, lasted for three days. About 60 bodies were recovered, and most of them were seen to be foreigners.
Most of them were thought to have died after entering the sea. Why they ended up drifting on the vast ocean was unknown, but one of the recovered bodies possessed a diary. The one in the pocket of the life jacket was double-sealed in plastic bags, and although it was a little wet, the contents could be sufficiently grasped. In the diary written in English, it was written that they had evacuated to a large passenger ship to escape from the infected.
To prevent the spread of the virus, using ships as shelters was also done in Japan. Once a ship goes out to sea, it's almost impossible for infected to board from the outside. On the other hand, if even one infected person appears on the ship, it's the same as throwing a lit match into a trash can full of dry grass.
In Japan too, ships in various ports, from luxury liners to tankers, were requisitioned and became temporary shelters. The boy doesn't know what happened to most of them. Did they continue sailing aiming for a safe land, or are they anchored somewhere offshore just waiting for the situation to settle down?
The luxury liner the drowning victims were on departed from Singapore and apparently went on a tour around Southeast Asian countries. But it seems an infection explosion occurred in a country they stopped at on the way, and they continued sailing while also accepting evacuees who weren't passengers.
The ship would occasionally stop somewhere to collect supplies when food, water, and fuel ran out, and basically lived offshore where the infected couldn't enter. The days of life at that time were spelled out in the diary, but it wasn't written as to why they had no choice but to leave the ship.
Did the ship wreck in bad weather, or was it attacked by pirates? Or maybe the infection unfortunately spread inside the ship. Anyway, they left the ship. But without being rescued by anyone, the lifeboat capsized or something and they lost their lives.
It's unknown where they got off the ship, but since they didn't look that thin, the period they were drifting was likely short. Maybe they had come near Japan.
Since there was no time to bury the recovered bodies and from the viewpoint of epidemic prevention, they were to be cremated together. In the Reclaimed Land, there were many places where foundation work for apartments and the like was in progress, and the holes dug at that time have been left as they are. After lining up the corpses there, they set fire to them with degraded gasoline and firewood.
Gasoline degrades to the point where the car's engine won't start if it's poorly stored for even six months. Even if gasoline remains in cars left in the town, only degraded ones can be recovered, and such gasoline that can't be used for cars was secured in literally mountains. Of course, well-stored gasoline that could be used for cars was precious, but degraded gasoline is effectively used as fuel for keeping warm.
The smell of the lined-up bodies burning spread throughout the Reclaimed Land. The bodies are planned to be buried by putting soil over them after burning. Most of the drowning victims had no ID and their identities remained unknown, and the only way to judge who they were would be to do DNA testing. He doesn't know when the day such a thing can be done will come.
The day after finishing the cremation of the drowning victims, the boy ended up pairing with Aki for the first time in a long while for the assigned security mission. It had been a while since he talked to her after the shopping mall incident.
According to what he heard, for a while, Aki had been holed up in her room without speaking to anyone. Since she was kidnapped and almost killed, it couldn't be helped, and everyone had also considered her and removed her from the shifts of various missions for a while, but she must have finally been able to return.
As usual, they cross the drawbridge made using a crane truck to the opposite shore of the Reclaimed Land, and there they confirm whether there are any abnormalities in the wire mesh and barricades built along the edge of the site. Since they have been focusing on improving the functions of the forward base after securing the police station, they stopped expanding their living area centered on the Reclaimed Land like before. Even so, there was no change in the fact that the Reclaimed Land is the base of the survivors' lives, and daily patrols like this were an important job.
While walking with the boy, Aki remained silent. She exchanges words necessary for work, but otherwise she remains silent. She seems to still be dragging the time she shot that man.
Because he could have predicted it would turn out like this, the boy wanted to avoid involving her in battles against humans as much as possible. Aki and the others had lived in a boarding school far from human habitation for a long time, so they don't know the chaos when the infection explosion occurred. There had never been such a thing as killing someone to survive until now.
That's why he didn't want them to kill someone with their own hands. Killing should only be done by those like themselves whose hands are already stained with blood. He wanted them to continue living a peaceful life as they are and live as people who know the peaceful era at the time of the restoration that will come someday. That was the wish of the boy and Sato. He didn't want them to worry or suffer because they killed someone.
"...There's something I want to ask."
Aki said that when the patrol was nearing its end. While confirming whether there are any gaps in the barbed wire wound around the top of the wire mesh and whether the barricades are properly fixed, Aki suddenly opened her mouth.
"How did it feel when you killed a person for the first time?"
His hands stopped without thinking.
"That... if I made you feel bad, I'm sorry. But I really want to know. Whether you felt the same way I'm feeling now."
When he looked back at a corner of the Reclaimed Land, small flashes were flickering along the sea. Technicians were remodeling a bus for escape from the Reclaimed Land.
Supplies and weapons are abundant, but even so, a worst-case scenario must always be assumed. He doesn't intend to lose even if they are attacked by infected or rioters like the Brotherhood, but it's also possible that they have to abandon the Reclaimed Land and escape in the worst case. For that time, preparations for a means of transport that can carry all the residents of the Reclaimed Land and escape were in progress.
The light is likely the spark of welding. The escape means prepared were several microbuses and vans that run on diesel engines. Extra seats and the like are currently being removed from them, and work to weld wire mesh and iron plates to the windows is in progress. When those are used, it will be when many people die in the Reclaimed Land, the boy thought.
Looking at the buses being remodeled, one scene revived in the boy's mind. Men chasing the boys with hunting rifles, a dark air-raid shelter and the infected confined there. And a police officer who went mad for his family.
The first time the boy directly killed a living person was then.
"...When I killed a person for the first time, I was in a trance. I didn't feel anything."
The reason he killed the person was to help his comrades. He killed those who stood in his way for that. The difference from Aki is that she killed a person in a sudden action to protect herself after being attacked, but the boy had a clear murderous intent to help his comrades and went to kill them himself.
"At that time, helping my comrades was the first priority, and everything else was secondary. In the first place, the opponents were guys who tried to kill us. If I didn't kill them, I would have been killed. That's why I didn't feel any regret at that time, and rather I intended to kill any number of people if it was to help my comrades."
Aki, who heard the boy's words, showed a slightly disappointed expression. She probably wants to know how to face the feelings of regret and fear she currently holds. But the boy is not a counselor. He can only tell what he felt and thought as it is.
"But eventually I gradually lost my shackles. I killed many people, so it's the same even if I kill ten or twenty more people. I began to think it's okay to kill people if it's to protect myself. Eventually, I even came to think, 'They might attack us someday. Threats must be eliminated before that.'"
After losing his comrades, that tendency accelerated further, and before he knew it, the boy began to kill people as a matter of course.
Eventually, the boy began to kill everyone who was hostile to him, including their comrades. He even killed those who didn't directly attack the boy if they belonged to the same group as the one who attacked. The boy began to be dominated by the fear that "If I leave them alone, they might retaliate."
"But I can't deceive myself forever. I couldn't become a person who feels nothing by breaking my heart. It's unavoidable, I have to do it before I'm done, those who attacked are bad. Even if I justify myself with such words, even if it was unavoidable to survive, someday I will be crushed by guilt."
That's why he thought he didn't want Aki to kill people. A person who kills people and thinks nothing of it is either a psychopath or a person whose heart is broken. Even Sato, who is a JSDF member trained to kill people, carries the people he has killed somewhere. Once you kill a person and stain your hands with blood, it will never come off.
"That's why I don't want anyone other than myself to kill anyone anymore. I killed a person, so the opponent also comes to kill. I don't want anyone to taste such fear."
"Does that mean even if I'm about to be killed by someone in the future, I should just be killed silently?"
"That's not it. I don't want anyone else to do such a thing, so we will work hard."
He doesn't want to kill people, but that's not how it works in the current world. Even if we don't want conflict, it's common that the opponent doesn't think so, and it can even develop into killing each other from misunderstandings or disagreements. It's also normal to shed blood by fighting over supplies to survive.
What has happened cannot be changed. The fact that he killed a person will not disappear. If so, those like themselves whose hands are already stained with blood should kill someone on behalf of others.
The boy doesn't believe in the afterlife, but if there is a hell, he will surely go there. This world is already the same as hell, but not everyone living now needs to fall into hell. It's better that fewer people have painful thoughts.
He might be hated for killing people and might receive retaliation someday. If harm is about to be added to his comrades, he should be the only sacrifice as the target of revenge at that time. If the conflict settles with that, it's his heart's desire.
"If the time comes when fighting is unavoidable and someone must be killed, I will do it then. Aki and the others don't need to stain their hands."
"But I... that man..."
Killed him. Before Aki could say those words, the boy said.
"That man was an infected. He just maintained his reason until just before, and he had become an infected when he attacked Aki. If the opponent is human, he is an existence that attacks and eats anyone without thinking. Aki didn't do anything wrong."
"Is that really so..."
"Yes. It's better to think that way. And stop thinking deeply about that anymore. Even if you think about it, an answer won't come out anyway."
"But you said it's meaningless to justify yourself after killing..."
"That's the story when the opponent you killed was a human. An existence that attacks and eats people without reason or memory is no different from a beast. At the point they become infected, that person is as good as dead. Rather, I think killing them, who have lost their personality and memory and turned into something non-human even though they have a human form, also leads to saving their souls. I think so."
People who have become infected probably don't want to become existences that would kill their family or friends without a second thought. If they were to lay hands on their loved ones, they would surely wish to be killed. Of course, even the intelligence to think such a thing is lost from the infected.
"To survive, to protect yourself, you killed the attacking infected. You don't feel any responsibility there. Protecting yourself leads to protecting your comrades. Because one infected decreased, we became a little safer. What Aki did was right. Because the opponent wasn't human. You can worry when you kill a real human."
I won't let that happen, though. Aki heard the boy mutter that small.
His eyes are looking far away, across the sea. The boy who has killed many people looked like a sinner trying to be saved by being punished.
I'm waiting for your opinions and impressions.