Chapter 21 - Chapter 19: The Story of How I Have Few Friends
The yakiniku I ate for the first time in a long while tasted even better than the marbled Kobe beef I had only once long ago. It didn't matter if the meat was crow or pigeon; the hot, juicy meat made me feel like I was having a civilized meal for the first time in ages. Though, if we're talking about yakiniku versus canned food, the canned food is probably more "civilized."
"It's delicious...!"
Yui and Mana-chan must have felt the same way, as they bit into the bone-in meat with abandon. The crow meat was a bit tough, but it didn't taste any different from regular chicken. The soy-based sauce Yui made added even more flavor. Naomi-san apparently wasn't much of a cook and had intended to just sprinkle salt on it after grilling, so it was truly a blessing that Yui added her touch.
"I'm glad you like it."
"It's been three months since we've had yakiniku, after all... Naomi-san, did you eat yakitori often?"
"Sometimes. I'd leave scraps on the rooftop, and when the crows or pigeons gathered, I'd go pashu."
Saying so, Naomi-san mimicked the motion of pulling a trigger. I was envious that she had been eating such delicious food while we had been eating nothing but cold canned goods.
However, she said that taking down crows and pigeons was difficult. Because of the risk of being spotted by the infected, her hunting ground was limited to the apartment rooftop. And since crossbow bolts were limited, if she missed, the bolt would fly off and couldn't be recovered. That said, Naomi-san seemed to be good at crafting; she apparently made her own bolts using iron bars and even fashioned a slingshot out of bicycle tire tubes to take down birds.
"I tried to catch birds a few times, but I failed. I don't have the brains to make traps, and even when I left a little rice outside, no birds came near..."
"That can't be helped. There was plenty of bait—corpses—left outside. I had a hard time getting the crows to come down in the beginning too."
"Naomi-san, did you always know these hunting methods?"
In that moment, I felt like I had stepped on a landmine. Until we came to this apartment, it had been an unspoken agreement among the three of us not to ask about the past. It was a consideration to avoid thinking about unnecessary things while the whereabouts of our families were unknown, though I was the only one who knew the final fate of Mana-chan's and my own parents.
But Naomi-san answered as if she didn't mind at all.
"I mentioned that my hometown was conservative, right? Every household had at least one gun, and all the kids in town were shooting before they turned ten. We were surrounded by forests and mountains, so we never lacked for prey, and it was partly for self-defense."
"That's unthinkable in Japan..."
"Well, it might also have to do with the fact that my father was a soldier. It goes without saying, but he was the best in town at handling guns."
"Heh, your father was a soldier?"
At that, Yui glared at me from the corner of her eye, and I realized I might have made things even worse. In today's world, there must be many people who don't want their past dug up. Especially those who don't want to be asked about their families—myself included, no doubt. My guard had dropped because of the civilized meal for the first time in a while, and I had accidentally blurted out something I was curious about.
"...I'm sorry. I asked something unnecessary."
"Why are you apologizing? It's not like you did anything wrong."
"...Eh?"
That reaction was truly unexpected. I had fully expected Naomi-san to either fall silent or get angry when asked about her family.
"It seems you all feel like asking deeply about someone is a taboo, but I think that's wrong. If you were to die, wouldn't it be sad if no one knew who you were? The people who know you best are your family, but that family isn't here now. If the people around you don't know what kind of person you are, it's the same as if you don't exist. If you die in that state, no one can tell others what kind of person you were. Your existence would vanish even from the hearts of others."
To die without anyone knowing what kind of people we were...?
For a moment, I couldn't understand what Naomi-san was saying. But thinking it over carefully, I understood the meaning. We are all alone.
Everyone has been separated from the parents and siblings who knew them well, and yet here we are, living. Yui, Mana-chan, and I had been acting together to survive since we met, but we hadn't tried to involve ourselves deeply with one another. While friendship and a sense of camaraderie had sprouted, the truth was we knew almost nothing about each other.
Yui and Mana-chan didn't know where I was born, how I was raised, or what kind of people I grew up surrounded by. Similarly, I knew almost nothing about them. I had heard where they fled from, but I hadn't tried to ask much beyond that, thinking it might bring back painful memories. What kind of friends did they have? Was there someone they liked? What did they want to be in the future? I didn't know how Yui or Mana-chan had lived their lives.
Everyone knows almost nothing about me. What would happen if I died in this situation?
Presumably, they would pass down the fact that a person like me existed. But if asked what kind of person I was, they would surely be at a loss for an answer. After all, they only knew me from the time I met them.
My parents are already gone from this world. I killed them with my own hands after they became infected. Many of my friends were killed at the shelter, and it's not even certain if any are alive. I am the only person left who knows me.
If I die, the person who knows the human being known as "me" will be gone. "Even if a person dies, they live on in the heart" is a phrase often heard in movies, but would people who don't know me well really keep my existence in their hearts forever?
The answer is likely no. Even I know almost nothing about the many people who have died before my eyes. Even if I feel pity, I don't feel like trying to know more about the deceased. There are too many dead to mourn each stranger.
If a person like me died, would someone try to look into me and remember what kind of person I was? The answer is again, no. Even if they found my corpse, it would already be part of the background, like a stone rolling on the roadside. No one pays attention to a stone...
Thinking that far made me terrified. No one knows me, and no one pays attention to me. If there is no one to remember me forever, wouldn't my existence return to nothingness?
If this were a year ago, it would be a different story. We would mourn the deceased, build graves, or display photos to ensure we didn't forget them. You've probably heard the line in dramas and movies dozens of times: "As long as someone remembers them, that person isn't truly dead." But that means if no one remembers the dead, the dead truly become non-existent.
I was terrified of that. No one remembering me. No one mourning me even if I die, my body treated like trash. I hadn't deeply considered the idea of my existence returning to nothingness until now.
"So, let's get to know each other more. I trust you guys, but since we're going to be acting together from now on, I want to know more about you. ...And also,"
Naomi-san's face darkened, and her tone dropped.
"If one of us dies, if we know about each other, we can tell their family or close friends about that death, right? If I die, I want my family or close friends to mourn me. At the very least, I want the people I was with to remember that the person known as 'me' certainly lived. That way, I can live on in someone's heart."
Before I knew it, everyone had fallen silent. Perhaps remembering their missing families, tears shimmered in Yui's and Mana-chan's eyes. But I knew—my family had already departed for the other world ahead of me.
And above all, the family Mana-chan was certain was still alive—I had beaten every single one of them to death.