Chapter 63 - The Story of There Being No God
It took two days for the infected who had come drawn by the gunshots to disappear from the front of the apartment. That said, not all the infected had gone elsewhere, so in the end, we were forced to deal with them directly.
The crossbow, a precious silent weapon, had been on the back seat when we were sniped and had been destroyed by a bullet that pierced the windshield and flew into the car. Since making gunshots would draw the infected again, we had to fight using blunt instruments and blades, but we didn't care. We needed someone to vent our anger on.
Using a slingshot made from makeshift tools, we launched stones in the opposite direction from us, and in the opening while the infected were turning their attention there at the sound of them hitting the ground, we approached all at once. Most of the infected had left this place in search of other prey, and only three infected remained wandering on the road.
We, to put it plainly, beat those three to a pulp. We cracked their heads with axes, kicked them repeatedly until the shape of their faces changed, and continued to strike them even though we knew they were dead. Not just me, but Naomi-san and even Yui joined in that act.
We were venting our misplaced anger on the infected. The one who killed Mana-chan was that sniper, but that young man had already been sent to the other world by Naomi-san. The regret of not being able to take direct revenge with our own hands turned into anger, which had continued to accumulate within us for these two days. If the sniper had been alive, we would have likely tormented him with the most cruel methods imaginable before killing him.
However, no matter how much we regretted it, Mana-chan wouldn't come back to life, and even if we literally destroyed the bodies of the infected like this, that fact wouldn't change. While we were fighting, we could surrender ourselves to anger, but what remained after it ended was only emptiness.
The infected only eat living humans, but other animals are not like that. During the two days we were holed up in that apartment, many animals had swarmed Mana-chan's body.
After defeating the infected, when we headed toward the car we had been riding in, which was now scrap metal, a gruesome sight spread out there. Mana-chan's body had been scavenged by hungry animals.
We, who had wanted to hide before the infected drawn by the gunshots arrived, had our hands full carrying weapons and supplies from the car and were unable to move Mana-chan's body. Mana-chan's body, which had died in a state with her hand still reaching out toward me as I hid behind the van, had been left just like that for these two days.
Apparently pecked by crows, the exit wound, which was the exit for the bullet that pierced her body, had expanded further. The hole in her back, large enough for a fist to enter, was made by the bullet that gave her the fatal wound, but a thin, internal organ-like object was protruding from that hole. A crow or something must have thrust its head into the wound and pulled it out.
The arm that had been shot and was about to be severed had disappeared somewhere. A stray dog must have carried it off, as a trail of dried blood, as if something had been dragged, extended for several meters from Mana-chan's body.
Her clothes, torn by the hits, were shredded, and beneath them, exposed red muscle fibers could be seen. The slender body of the elementary schooler had been transformed into a sight too miserable to look at by the fangs of animals.
However, perhaps because she died face down, only her face had escaped damage. When I flipped over her body, from which rigor mortis had faded, her arm hung limply like rubber. Dried blood was caked on her face, but it hadn't been eaten.
Her eyes, which had lost their light, stared at me. It's your fault I died. I felt as if I could hear such a voice from somewhere.
Even though it hurt, even though it was painful, you did nothing.
Even though I said help me.
Because you were careless, I died.
Not only that, you didn't even tell me until the very end that my family had died.
It was as if Mana-chan's ghost were speaking to me. Of course, her corpse wouldn't open its mouth. But if ghosts did exist, Mana-chan would surely say that. It was as if she died because of me, and even as she met her end, I hadn't told her the truth.
"...Let's get this over with. You take that side. Naomi-san, the blanket please."
Yui, who had been silent until now, said that, snatched the blanket from Naomi-san, and covered Mana-chan's body. Then, wrapping her body in the blanket like a straw mat, she instructed me to hold the head side.
Yui had changed. At least, I think so.
For the first day, she had continued to cry incessantly. Then on the second day, she stopped crying, and I haven't seen her tears since. Even now, facing Mana-chan's body again, Yui remained silent.
I, who have been acting with her for these several months, know that Yui is not a cold-hearted person who doesn't even shed tears at the death of a companion. Yui is just enduring it.
With Mana-chan's death, the weakest person among the three of us became Yui. Until now, Mana-chan had played that role, but it shifted to Yui.
That's why she is likely bracing herself to the best of her ability, wanting to show us that she is a strong person. So as not to worry us.
There's no way she isn't sad that Mana-chan, with whom she had become like real sisters, died. Among the three of us, the one who doted on Mana-chan the most was Yui. Yui had worked desperately until now to try and save Mana-chan.
However, from the current Yui, not even a trace of such an atmosphere can be felt. From the back of her as she leads the way, holding the end of the blanket wrapping Mana-chan, a bloodlust that seems like it would destroy everything it touches is being released.
In a sense, she too might have adapted to this world.
We decided to bury Mana-chan's body in a small park right beside the apartment. While digging up the ground with a folding shovel found in the apartment, the question of what on earth I was doing floated in my head.
A great many people are dead, and their corpses are left as they are without being mourned by anyone. Even so, does burying just one person now have any meaning? Is it to make an excuse to myself as a small atonement?
The corpses of the people I killed must also be left unmourned. They too died because of me in a sense, so isn't it unfair to bury only Mana-chan?
Corpses are now just things, nothing but lumps of meat. In an era when the dead were fewer than the living, there would have been meaning in mourning a person's death. But now there are fewer living people, and it has become a natural sight for corpses to be rolling around outside. Even so, is there a need to mourn the dead just because they were close?
I too was unable to mourn the deaths of my father and mother, or bury their bodies. Their bodies still lie in that room of the school where corpses and pieces of meat are scattered.
However, by doing this, I will likely never forget the mistake I committed for the rest of my life. Because of me, Mana-chan died. As a ritual to carve that fact into my heart and ensure I never commit the same mistake again, I bury her. That is likely the meaning of mourning Mana-chan for me.
After finishing digging a hole deep enough for one person by a tree, I lowered Mana-chan's body wrapped in the blanket to the bottom. Then, I began returning the pile of dug-up earth into the hole.
Yui and Naomi-san also joined in that work. No one shed tears, and no words were exchanged. However, I knew that everyone was grieving Mana-chan's death. Every time earth was piled onto Mana-chan's body, Yui's hands trembled.
Eventually, the blanket wrapping her body completely disappeared under the earth, and a burial mound was completed. As a substitute for a gravestone, I pulled out some bricks from the park's flowerbed and placed them on top. I put documents and photos that could identify her together in a multi-layered bag and placed it under the bricks so it wouldn't be blown away by the wind. It was to ensure she wouldn't be treated as an unidentified person if Mana-chan's body were discovered someday, but I wonder how many of her relatives are still alive. At least Mana-chan's family no longer exists in this world.
"I'm sorry..."
Yui muttered a single word, turned her back to us, and returned to the apartment alone.
"What do they do in America at times like this? Do they say some words to the dead or something?"
"A pastor or priest comes and reads the Bible. But I don't believe in God anymore. Even when the world has become like this and an innocent child is killed, there is still no salvation."
"...I wonder what we're living for?"
Abruptly, I remembered the neighborhood church my mother used to take me to. I only went a few times as a neighborly courtesy, and I hardly remember the sermons given there. That church too must have been burned down in a fire.
I wanted someone, anyone, to help me. If it would release me from suffering, I might even end up believing in a god of an evil cult. However, there is still no one who gives me salvation.
To my question, Naomi-san only answered "Who knows" and started walking toward the apartment. After glancing at Mana-chan's grave one last time, I also started walking after her.
I probably won't ever come here again.
"By the way, have you gotten used to that gun yet?"
On the way back to the apartment together, Naomi-san pointed to the M1A automatic rifle in my hand. During these two days, we hadn't spent our time in vain. we had been rummaging through the rooms of the apartment to secure supplies and learning how to handle the newly found weapons.
The automatic rifle was heavier than the crossbow, shotgun, or sniper rifle I had held until now. Sniping at a range of several hundred meters is impossible with my skills, and since it was only a hindrance, I removed the scope and bipod, yet the automatic rifle was still heavy. However, because I could fire bullets without operating the bolt handle every time, I decided to carry this gun.
"Yeah, somehow. But since it's long, it seems like it'll be hard to handle indoors."
"For that, I'm thinking of making a sawed-off... a weapon where the shotgun barrel is shortened. It's easy to do as long as we have a saw, and we found several shotguns in that room."
"It was also helpful that we could replenish ammunition. What about the car?"
That apartment was an attractive place to hole up in, but no one, including me, made that proposal. Part of it was that there were almost no supplies left in the essential adjacent supermarket, and above all, there was the feeling of not wanting to stay even a second longer in that apartment where the sniper who killed Mana-chan had been.
"I found one hybrid wagon in the parking lot. It didn't have gasoline in it, though."
"Let's transfer it from the car we were in. Also, we have to check if any is left at the gas station."
Apparently, that sniper had no intention of moving from the apartment at all. All the cars parked in the parking lot were covered in dust, and there was no sign that fuel had been replenished. Had that sniper designated that room as his place to die?
As I was thinking about such things, Naomi-san laughed a little.
"We were burying Mana just a moment ago, yet now we're talking about weapons and cars to survive tomorrow. I wonder what we are?"
"Who knows..."
Certainly, Mana-chan's death is a sad thing. Even so, if we just spend our time in grief, we too will quickly join the ranks of the dead. It's a bad way to put it, but right now there's no time to be concerned with the dead. I noticed that Mana-chan's presence in my heart was becoming smaller and smaller.
"Earlier, you asked what we're living for, right? My answer is simple: I'm just living because I don't want to die. I don't want to die yet; I'll live and return to America to see my family. That's why I'm living. What about you?"
"I..."
There, I noticed myself unable to answer anything.
I no longer have a home to return to or a family to welcome me back. Close friends and everything else were lost when the infection began.
Living because I don't want to die. That's the same. However, the meaning is completely different between Naomi-san's and mine. Naomi-san doesn't want to die because she still has things she wants to do. But I just don't want to die as a natural instinct that living things possess. It's not an active thought of wanting to do something by living.
What on earth am I living for?
I look forward to your opinions and impressions.