Chapter 16 - Heartbreak and the Court Mage (Claire's Perspective)
At first, I had heard that I was the only one who interacted with Louis so casually.
When we first began our service to the court, we were barely out of infancy, so naturally, the scrutiny we faced was harsh. The adults around us all seemed like an impenetrable black wall.
I grew attached to Louis. Even though our paths diverged—his in magic, mine in swordsmanship—such things did not matter to me back then. Every lunch break, I would search for him, seeking him out in quiet places where he took his meals.
I believed that I was the only one by Louis's side.
It was more than five years ago that I was made to realize this was a mistake. I think I was around twelve years old at the time. As I crossed the fountain plaza, searching for Louis as usual, I spotted him.
He was the one approaching me. Usually, it was I who sought him out. I wondered if this was some sort of trial.
'Claire, this is convenient.'
'Is, is something the matter?'
'There is something I would like to ask of you.'
I understood that his stiff expression was a cover for his embarrassment. We had been together for years, and I had watched him for years, so it was only natural that I could see through something like that.
But what was there to be embarrassed about?
What could he possibly want to ask me while shy?
It was adolescence, where the height difference between the sexes became glaringly apparent. I was also aware that the eyes of those around us, watching him grow more brilliant with each passing day, had become indecent. Even so, I had surely been expecting it. His rare bashfulness. Because his specialness belonged only to me.
'There is something I wish to buy, but I feel uneasy going alone. If possible, I would like you to accompany me.'
'T-together? Shopping?'
'Yes. I do not mean to force you, however.'
'I'll go!'
I nodded with all my might. This was the stuff of rumors. The thing where close men and women deepen their love together.
He walked with unwavering steps, yet he matched my pace. It irritated me, and I became embarrassed, so I deliberately walked faster, but he easily matched me again. I felt like I had lost, yet I was happy. I thought such trivial exchanges felt like something more.
Once I became conscious of it, I could no longer act as usual. While blending into the crowd, the wrist that had been grabbed without my noticing felt unbearably hot.
Our destination was a clothing store. It was a popular place that handled many items for women.
I glanced briefly at the clothes hanging on the walls. Next, I surveyed the interior of the shop.
The quality and craftsmanship of the clothes themselves, as well as the spaciousness of the store, lacked the flair that nobles would favor. However, the casual remarks of the staff had a softness unique to commoners. It must have been a good shop.
'Ah, I apologize. I was holding your hand as if you were my younger sister.'
'Eh, ah, younger sister, right. Do not mind it.'
I was startled. I felt regret at my wrist being suddenly released. And regarding the word "younger sister," I felt a vague, unsettling emotion.
He did not see me as a girl.
It felt as though I had just realized something that should have been obvious.
When I looked at my own hands, I saw multiple blood blisters on the sides of my index fingers and at the base of my fingers. My skin was tough, too. The pride of being born into a family of knights was something I would not trade for anything, so I should have had no regrets—yet.
Shaking off my pathetic self, I spoke in a bright voice and asked Louis for a detailed explanation. Even at this point, a part of me still refused to give up.
'I do not understand women's clothing well. Could you help me choose?'
'That is fine, but who is the recipient?'
'...A family member.'
What, a family member?
I had not heard of him having anyone other than a younger sister, but perhaps a distant relative was visiting?
'What kind of atmosphere?'
'For now, someone older than me. Generally, someone calm... I suppose. Probably, someone who does not look unlike that. A woman between eighteen and twenty years old.'
'Age-appropriate, then.'
'Yes, let us say that.'
'There are types of clothes that most women can wear regardless of their build, but is anything fine?'
'If possible, I think clothes with solid colors would be good. This is my preference.'
For him, who generally believed that clothes were fine as long as they were not embarrassing to wear, to show even a fragment of preference for someone else's attire seemed unlike him.
—He had seemed uninterested in the opposite sex, after all.
I had a bad premonition. I was terrified that this indescribable anxiety would take shape, yet I could not help but confirm it. While looking at the shelf labeled "Size: F (Free)," I clenched my fist. Pale reds and faded blues; all that was there were cute things that I would never have the occasion to wear.
I could not help but ask.
'You are the type who is fine as long as you can wear your own clothes, are you not? To think you would place orders on someone else's clothing... is it a special gift or something?'
How much of a fool was I?
Doing something that would inflict a fatal wound upon myself.
'It is not such a formal thing as a gift. How should I put it... she is the kind of person who seems like she might disappear somewhere if she does not wear distinct colors.'
I should have stopped.
The one who received such a gentle, affectionate smile from him was me. Even so, the one at the end of his thoughts was not me.
'Ah, how about this one? Is it a yes or a no?'
He, looking happily airy, pointed to a piece of clothing he had in mind and asked for my opinion. He imagined "her," and spoke to me for "her" sake.
I should have stopped getting my hopes up and getting carried away alone.
If I had, I would not have had to encounter such an ugly version of myself.
＊
Holding the request form for the pass in one hand, I went to the Chief Court Mage's private room.
When I knocked on the door, I immediately heard, "Yes, come in." Upon entering, he was comparing several documents on the sofa. His eyes were seriously following the text.
"Is that the request form in question?"
"...Ah."
Although he did not glance at me at all, it seemed he knew it was me.
I had asked him the reason for this before, and he had said, "I have heard your footsteps many times. I was often spoken to from behind."
In the past, I was always chasing after him, speaking to him with the momentum of someone about to pounce.
Footsteps. From long ago. He remembered such trivial things. Perhaps because that made me happy, I sometimes forgot the social courtesy of announcing my entry when before Louis. Normally, one would say a word or two.
He placed the signed document on the table and looked at me. He must have meant for me to hand over the request form.
While he was confirming it, I was allowed to sit on the sofa opposite him.
"The Rail River is, if I recall correctly, part of the Kino River... There are no transportation magic circles placed in this entire flow area, are there?"
He pointed to the bookshelf, and a map floated out, opening itself. I wanted to tell him to go fetch it with his own feet, but the interior of the Research Institute was not my domain, and furthermore, common sense did not always apply here.
On the map drawn up by the craftsmen, several blue dots were marked. Did they represent transportation magic circles?
The Rail River was a tributary branching off from the Kino River, which also served as the border with the Western Countries. It flowed east along the mountains, gradually turning south until it reached the sea. The blue dot closest to this river was a single one located halfway up a mountain, far from the encampment. This would not serve for emergencies.
"As expected, a new one will be necessary."
"It seems so. If there is someone who can lay a magic circle, I would like to borrow them."
"I will call out to two or so people. There are some troublesome individuals who do not take their required holidays, so could you take them along for the purpose of a change of pace? I will cover the expenses for that."
"But that means they are so busy they cannot take holidays, does it not? It would be problematic if it interfered with their work."
"That is true, but I simply cannot overlook four consecutive all-nighters. If they wander around with such dark circles under their eyes, one cannot tell which is the monster and which is the human."
"Is it really that bad?"
"Seizing them secretly while they walk the hallway and throwing them into the nap room, or deploying a magic circle at their feet to deliver them to the infirmary, does not work... When they return to the laboratory, they are there... Staring at flasks with an innocent face, smirking. Those people are truly..."
Louis gazed into the distance. He was not the type to be fundamentally concerned for his subordinates, but it seemed he took care of troublesome matters thoroughly.
I had heard that the Research Institute was an exhibition of eccentrics, but what kind of monsters were breathing life there, I wondered.
He sighed, pulled himself together, and looked down at me again. I did not actually dislike this height difference.
"It would be troubling if they collapsed from being left as they are. This will serve as a good pretext to force them away from their research, claiming it is work."
"But we are the ones making the request. If you are dispatching mages, we will prepare the costs. I promise to provide proper treatment."
"...I will hand the passes to you in a batch, but into whose hands will they pass?"
"Since they are for emergencies, all forty-seven newcomers, including myself."
He laughed, joking, "Please spare me any misuse."
"As for me, I do not involve myself in other matters as long as my people can rest. But there is no good in overdoing it. Keep it moderate."
"If you simply call it 'overdoing it,' you are a loser from that point on."
"If you continue forcibly and achieve nothing, it is a waste of time."
"Even if one cannot master anything, it will be a good experience."
Louis was a result-oriented person, and we never quite meshed. He was always mismatched and uneven, filling in my shortcomings, which felt comfortable.
Before I left the room, he patted my head just once.
"Then, when the passes are ready, I will come to you. Please wait."
And so, he released his hand.
The documents I had written would surely be processed mechanically into the desk drawer.