Chapter 149 - Saudade
(1)
"Good morning, Airi."
"Hoe?"
When I change my voice to get Airi's attention, she wakes up.
Airi's eyes widen at the situation, which is the reverse of how it usually is.
Of course she's tired after spending a whole week doing housework and studying.
It is Airi's maintenance day, the last one of the summer vacation.
If I don't come up with some excuse, she won't try to go out.
Usually, just saying "Let's go to the Blue Bird" is enough, but she'll get bored if it's the same thing every time, right?
"I want you to help me pick out some clothes to wear for the second semester."
"Mm."
When I say that, Airi begins to prepare.
She has already brought winter clothes over from her own house.
She intends to spend the whole year at my house, doesn't she.
Once she finishes preparing, she says "Sorry to keep you waiting" to me.
Airi was wearing clothes that were easy to move in. Ah, she intends to wash the car on the way back.
Honestly, I feel hesitant to make her wash the car during a date. There's no point in making her help if I'm washing the car specifically so Airi can rest.
Even so, Airi says,
"I have to show my gratitude to Car-san."
Lucky you, you're loved this much. I feel a little envious of the car.
We go to the local shopping mall and pick out clothes.
My clothes shopping is finished in about two hours.
"Let's go shopping again before winter,"
Airi says happily while eating omurice.
"Before that, there's something else I want to do."
I make a proposal to Airi.
"Wha~t is it?"
Airi is in a great mood. She has an aura that says she'll accept anything right now.
"Next, let's pick out some clothes for you too."
"...Yes."
When Airi is truly happy, her "mm" becomes "yes."
I've noticed this since high school.
Or maybe it's when she's shy?
Did she say it once?
'I want to go clothes shopping with Toya-kun.'
How do you feel now? I'm glad she's happy.
Even though I say "pick out," Airi holds the initiative, and I just choose between two or three options.
If I put myself in Airi's feelings and think, "Ah, she likes this one better," I just choose that one.
It's a simple job of just erasing Airi's hesitation.
Airi bought a trench coat, several types of skirts, pants, and a few jackets.
"And that's the shopping all finished-ish."
We wash the car at a gas station near the shopping mall.
We clean thoroughly, not just the exterior but the interior as well.
"Now then, shall we go home and study?"
Airi says. But today is Airi's maintenance day.
"If the usual course is okay, I want to wander around a bit before going home for dinner."
"Okay♪"
Airi says this and sits in the passenger seat.
And we go around the usual course. By the time the sun sets, we were at the sea.
"I should update the course soon."
"Hoe?"
"There's a place I want to go."
"Anywhere Toya-kun wants to go is fine with me."
"Got it, then next time."
"Mm."
Airi's birthday is next week. I have to celebrate it for her.
I wonder what to do... She said she doesn't need surprises anymore.
In that case...
After returning home, I abruptly start searching on the PC.
"What are you searching for?"
Airi peeks at the monitor.
One is a French restaurant. The other is... an accessory shop.
"Airi, it's your birthday next weekend... this might be pathetic, but I thought we could pick something out together."
"...Yes."
It seems she liked it.
"But I don't need anything that expensive, okay?"
"Yeah."
"This is a first. Picking a present with Toya-kun. I get to spend my birthday together too."
Airi looks truly happy.
I'm looking forward to next week.
(2)
I didn't say goodbye, but I felt that my relationship with him had ended.
On the way back, I stopped the car at a park and cried.
The new boyfriend sitting next to me wrapped me gently in his arms.
During the time we called each other lovers, how many special words did we speak?
We never once performed a special act.
The lock inside his heart was never opened.
Even if that was just his habit, I was lonely.
Am I not loved?
There were times I leaked such frustrations within the group.
That was the kind of relationship I had with him.
He was kind.
My heart was so parched that such trivial kindness soaked in.
Everyone defends Sakai-kun. But the words that came from the person himself were.
"We should respect the person's own will."
Those weren't the words I wanted to hear.
"I understand perfectly."
After that, while settling the bill, he said to me.
"If you have any trouble, I'll give you advice, so shall we exchange contact info?"
Love with Sakai-kun might not have been something that could be called enjoyable.
But I wanted to enjoy at least the interactions at the Blue Bird.
But I was afraid to dive into his heart.
Even when I summoned the courage to dive in, I was shut out by a thick door.
As time passed, I got to know Sakai-kun one by one.
As more time passed, I stopped understanding Sakai-kun's feelings.
I tried comparing the fading love to a sunset.
The sadness that certainly remained there.
I'll give up; any more than this will only tear me apart.
I'll tell this person, I'm lonely... no, I'm okay... no, I'm lonely.
I couldn't feel eternity by Sakai-kun's side.
Even so, scorching the night sky, I live with my feelings of love.
When I had calmed down a bit, he—Nakajima-kun—spoke to me.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?"
"...Yeah."
I've resigned myself. More than that...
"Is someone like me really okay? I'm a poor student and I can't even make time for dates."
"I'll go to the Blue Bird every day. Tell me your days off."
"Mm. ...Ah,"
I sent a message to the group chat.
"Everyone, I'm sorry about tonight. If possible, I'd like to stay in the group, and if possible, him... Nakajima-san too."
It's a convenient request.
But everyone consented.
There is no response from Sakai-kun.
He's probably not looking.
I invite Nakajima-kun to the group.
Nakajima-kun joins immediately.
"Nice to meet you all."
When he spoke, messages of "Nice to meet you" arrived.
"I look forward to getting to know you all."
"Likewise."
Goodbye, love.
And hello, love.
(3)
After returning, I take a shower.
After changing into room wear, I turn on the TV.
Watching the anime I recorded this morning.
I watch TV while drinking something.
Today was fun.
It's been a long time since I enjoyed myself with many people.
Looking at Airi-chan and Katagiri-kun, for the first time in a while, I wanted a lover.
How can one have a love like that?
A gentle, calm atmosphere was flowing.
Since some point, I've become accustomed to days of acting like an adult, and I continue to distance myself, chase, and get lost in things that can be felt simply and honestly.
In an era where everyone is unfulfilled, how many special encounters are there?
Airi-chan encountered a special meeting. I'm envious.
Looking at the two of them, I feel like I won't be able to see tomorrow and won't be able to spend time alone.
The more I struggle, the more my heart frets, but morning comes without a sound and another day begins.
"Why not try falling in love and struggling before you give up?"
Someone had said something like that.
I want to try falling in love to the point of struggling.
I've never met a man who made me feel that way.
I've received confessions, but...
Why is it? I couldn't become a special existence like those two.
I felt it keenly after meeting those two.
I still don't know love.
I get nervous when I'm in front of a man.
The defense of my heart doesn't allow it.
While praying that I'll one day meet someone who can sew through the gaps in my heart.
I fell asleep.
On the way back from my part-time job, I stop by the hair salon.
"How would you like it?"
"I'll leave it to you."
"How much length?"
"A semi-short cut, and could you dye it orange?"
A belated personal revolution.
I'll change.
I'll have more confidence in myself.
After leaving the hair salon, I went to buy clothes.
I thought I'd buy more active clothing.
I bought a few things and came home.
Can I change with this?
I participated actively in the group chat.
Everyone had lovers, but it was fun.
At that time, Sashihara-san suggested something.
"Why don't we all get together just the women next time? Like a girls' night out."
Everyone, including me, consented.
(4)
"Airi, take care."
Toya-kun sees me off.
Today is the girls' night out.
As the name suggests, a day where only women gather.
"I'm off~!"
Saying that, I started the car.
The place is a family restaurant with a good view.
A beautiful place where you can see the ocean at a glance.
After ordering light meals and the drink bar, I go to get my favorite juice.
Once everyone went to get juice, the gathering began.
"Well, since the boys aren't here, let's vent our frustrations to our heart's content!"
When Ai said that, the conversation started.
"Airi, how's the cohabitation life? Is it going well?"
"It's a bit different from cohabitation. I'm just helping Maya-san. I'm still in the training stage."
"You're living in the same house with parental approval!?"
Ai is reacting with exaggerated surprise.
"Yeah, but Kanna is more amazing. She said Makoto-kun gave her the key to his room."
"Must be nice. Well, I've been entrusted with a key from Eita's parents too..."
"Ai has parental approval too... I'm envious."
"It's not as nice as it sounds; I've just been entrusted with the management of the lazy Eita."
"If you put it that way, I'm the same. I was appalled when I first entered Makoto's room. I wonder how he felt he could invite a girlfriend to a place like this... I wondered if he mistook me for a housekeeper or something."
Both Ai and Kanna are struggling, aren't they.
"What about you, Airi? Since the partner is Toya, you must be struggling constantly, right?"
Kanna asked.
"Hmm, everyone is kind. To the point where I hold back as much as possible because Toya-kun gets scolded if I do the housework."
"Doesn't Toya help out?"
"He helps. But it just ends up increasing the effort, so I push him into his room saying 'Toya-kun's job is studying'."
Though he's usually playing games.
"Hmm, how about Mika's side?"
Kanna was asking Mika-san.
"Our schedules are shifted, so I return home late and Masashi has his part-time job. Because of that, the time we spend together is laid-back. Occasionally I cook for him."
"I'm envious of Mika too. Well, is it better just to be able to be alone together?"
Saying that, Kanna looks at Emi.
"Oh? We have time alone together too. Mostly hotels. Or my house, I guess. Well, I won't deny that I'm envious of people living alone. But..."
But?
"Just having a partner might be happiness in itself."
Emi says this and looks at Shimizu-san.
She's making that kind of provocation again...
But today's Shimizu-san was different from usual.
"That might be true..."
It's rare for Shimizu-san, who usually provokes back, to be like this.
"Oh? Did you finally break? How does it feel?"
"I haven't given up. It's not something I can just give up on, right?"
"...What's wrong? You're acting strange today. No, you've been acting strange since the last gathering."
It was as Emi said. Something is strange.
"It's nothing major... Let's see, to put it in your terms, I suppose I almost broke."
"What do you mean...?"
"Just so you know, I'm not telling you this because I want sympathy."
When Shimizu-san said that, everyone nodded in silence.
It was about the way back that day.
As usual, I escorted him home.
He was looking down, and I tried to soften the atmosphere even a little.
But he, as always, wouldn't try to talk about anything.
What are you dissatisfied with?
I want to know your true intentions.
No, I know your true intentions.
Even so, I decided to make you look at me.
So please, listen to me.
Such a wish was never going to reach him.
As usual, I quietly escorted him home.
"Well, see you tomorrow."
I was supposed to go home with that.
But that day was different.
"Why do you keep clinging to someone like me? If you looked, there are plenty of better men than me..."
Slap!
My right hand had struck his left cheek.
Am I out of my mind? Me.
I was out of my mind. Me.
It was the first time I had become this emotional.
Confusion.
And the confusion became tears that rolled down my cheeks.
"Why, you ask... it's because I fell in love with you, obviously!"
"That's why, why did you fall in love with someone like me?"
"You should know, I told you the reason. Besides, any reason is fine. Falling in love itself doesn't need an explanation!"
"I had someone I loved. I don't now. Even so, can you still say you love me?"
"Don't make me say the same thing over and over. I told you I won't give up."
"That's right..."
Again, he looked unmotivated and fed up.
Only he could make a face like that.
"I'm sorry, I lost my composure."
"No, it's fine. I'm sorry as well. Well then, see you."
"Then, with this...!?"
I kissed him.
Naturally, it was my first time.
My heart is pounding.
He stood there dazed.
I said one thing to him.
"Actually, I wanted you to do it, but it can't be helped. This is a declaration of war."
I said to him, who didn't know how to respond.
"Well then, see you tomorrow. At the Blue Bird."
Saying that, he returned to his room.
Shimizu-san's story ended.
Hmm, when it comes to that, I end up sympathizing with Shimizu-san~.
"You're certainly tasting failure thoroughly."
Emi, that way of putting it is too cruel.
But Emi continued.
"But I don't dislike you struggling like that. Haven't you become a bit better?"
"I suppose... it's frustrating because it feels like I'm showing a pathetic side of myself, but it's as Eguchi-san says."
"Then, I'll give you a piece of advice. It might take time. But struggle as much as you can; even if you find out it's no use, that journey will surely become something irreplaceable to you. Love doesn't always work out."
"I have no intention of failing. I'm sorry, but."
"True, everyone might feel that way. Oshima-san? This applies to you too, you know?"
The conversation suddenly turned toward Kana.
"Struggling and struggling, and being rewarded is love. Not being rewarded is also love. What matters is whether you gave it your all. You understand, right? What I mean."
"Vaguely, I understand. I haven't even fallen in love yet."
"True. I also thought that if I fell in love, my school life would change. But that's not it. Love isn't something you 'do'. It's something that changes you after you know and feel what love is. So don't give up."
"...Yes."
"W-well. I'll make sure to carefully screen Kana's partner!"
Ai tries to change the subject.
I'll help her out too.
"Emi, do you have no complaints about Ishihara-kun?"
"I do. So many I couldn't count them. But it's the same for Airi-chan, right?"
"That's true."
"I learned something from Airi-chan, that accepting those things is important."
"I see."
But you know, Emi.
Actually, I don't have any particular complaints. Because I can even find his flaws endearing. Although I just got a little angry recently. But he satisfies my requests. That alone makes me happy.
"Now, I'm starting to get hungry. Shall we change restaurants?"
"Change restaurants? This is a family restaurant."
"It's the dinner for our first girls' night out. I've already secured a restaurant."
"...You've thought this through surprisingly well."
After that, we had a meal at a restaurant in town and went home.
"I'm home~!"
I enter the Katagiri house, which is becoming my second home.
I enter Toya-kun's room.
Toya-kun is wearing headphones and is immersed in a game.
He's wearing headphones because sound is important in FPS, apparently.
You don't have to be that absorbed in it.
There are things I want you to be more absorbed in.
"I'm home!"
I hug him from behind.
It seems Toya-kun finally noticed me.
"Welcome back, wait a second! It's almost over!"
"I don't want to. Do you prioritize games over your girlfriend~?"
"It's not a matter of that... ah, I got killed!"
Well, then it's fine, right?
I turn off the power to the game console.
"That's why I told you to stop that."
"I don't want to♪"
Saying that, I pounce on Toya-kun.
"What a handful of a princess you are."
Saying that, Toya-kun holds me.
"How was the girls' night out?"
"It was fun, though the contents are a secret... Shimizu-san is definitely strange. I felt that she's properly in love."
"I see..."
Knock knock.
Maya-san knocks.
"Airi-chan. Since you're back, go ahead and take a bath."
I stare at Toya-kun.
"Unfortunately, I went first."
"I see. Well, I'll be in right away, so wait for me."
Saying that, I prepare my change of clothes, take a bath, and return to the room.
When I return to the room, Toya-kun was waiting for me. In the bed!
In a high-spirited mood, I dry my hair humming a tune♪
I want a dressing table.
Maybe I'll bring one next time?
But is there a place to put it?
I gaze at the shelf packed with Toya-kun's unnecessary books and manga.
If this weren't here, I could put it.
When I tried to throw it all away once before, he desperately stopped me.
Apparently, these are treasures to Toya-kun.
Even so, Toya-kun is strangely quiet.
...After I finish drying my hair, I peek softly into Toya-kun's bed.
...As I thought, he was asleep.
Geez! Toya-kun, you idiot.
I poke his forehead.
"...Airi."
Toya-kun muttered.
It seems to be sleep-talking.
I'm in his dreams, aren't I.
I enter the bed and turn off the lights.
Please come into my dreams too.
Softly using Toya-kun as a hug-pillow, I fall asleep.
And the season arrives where a cool breeze blows.