Chapter 35 - Toya and Makoto
(1)
January 3rd
My smartphone rings.
It's still only 10 o'clock...
I wake up and pick up the phone.
"Hello...?"
"Hello, Kanna? It's me."
It's Airi's voice.
"I'm about to go to the shrine for the first visit of the year with Toya-kun's family, so..."
"Sorry, I'll pass today. I'm spending time with my parents."
"I see, that's too bad... Well, see you tomorrow then!"
With that, the call ended.
It's a lie.
My parents have gone to their part-time jobs.
But, I want to relax for at least the first three days of the year.
Besides...
Lately, Toya and Airi have been increasing their intimacy to an enviable degree.
Has it been since Christmas Eve?
Apparently, they stayed over during the New Year holidays, and when I gave him that (T/N: refers to a specific object/gift) as a tease, he looked incredibly flustered.
"Even elementary schoolers do that these days,"
I told him, and he said Airi had told him the same thing.
I wonder if Airi is interested in that too?
Airi is serious, so I thought she wouldn't be into those things.
Did something happen on Eve after all?
Something that made Airi feel that way?
From what I've heard, it seems their relationship is officially recognized by their parents.
I thought I'd at least take his innocence, but it seems even that won't come true.
...I can't take it. I feel like I'm going to cry.
The TV is on, but I can't even tell what they're talking about.
As I lie on my back staring at the ceiling, my smartphone rings.
A message.
Is it Toya?
With a faint hope in my heart, I look at the phone, but it wasn't him.
It's from Makoto.
"Are you free? Want to go hang out?"
I'm free anyway.
Fine, I'll go.
I reply to Makoto.
"Then, in front of the supermarket!"
I hurriedly change my clothes, put on makeup, and head out with my coat in hand.
(2)
About ten classmates, including Makoto, had gathered at the meeting spot.
It's almost the same group as the last time we went to karaoke.
We arrived at an amusement facility in about an hour by bicycle.
There's an arcade, karaoke, bowling, and a sports facility.
"Bowling first!"
I was confident in bowling.
Cheers erupted every time I got a strike.
We gave each other high-fives for no reason.
Just playing is fun.
It makes me forget the unpleasant things.
After bowling, we went to karaoke.
Since I didn't have any particular songs I wanted to sing, I searched the history and randomly added songs I could sing.
"Wow, Kanna-san has a high voice."
"You're really good!"
I hear those voices.
"No I'm not."
I put on a fake smile.
Come to think of it, I forced myself to create this way of speaking too.
Then, Makoto started singing a certain song.
A song made before I was born.
My mother used to listen to it often, didn't she?
A certain phrase plays.
"Wait! Otonashi-san, what's wrong!?"
Before I knew it, I was shedding tears.
Everyone begins to make a fuss.
Makoto stops singing.
"What's wrong, Kanna-san?"
"It's nothing, I'm just going to the restroom for a bit."
Saying that, I left the room.
I wiped away the tears and touched up my makeup.
...Alright, I've pulled myself together!
Psyching myself up, I leave the restroom to find Makoto standing there.
"Standing in front of the girls' restroom, are you a pervert?"
I say, laughing.
"Sorry, I thought that song might somehow encourage you... but it backfired."
"...You see right through everything, don't you?"
"Well, when I saw you two during the first visit to the shrine, it kind of clicked."
"I knew you'd notice. You two are just too blatant."
At that moment, he pulls me into a tight embrace.
"Just forget about it already... I don't want to see you suffering, Kanna-san."
Without saying anything, I pull away from Makoto.
"You're the one who said half-hearted kindness is cruel, Makoto."
I was feeling a bit irritated.
"Sorry, you're right."
Saying that, Makoto laughs self-deprecatingly.
"Let's go back soon! Everyone will be worried."
As I try to return, he takes my hand, presses me against the wall, and blocks my path with both hands.
"But I can't stand watching it anymore. You know, right? That it's impossible to go any further..."
Slap
My palm struck Makoto's left cheek.
"Then stop looking at me! That's all there is to it."
"If I could do that, I wouldn't be struggling!!"
I flinched at Makoto's loud voice.
I've been yelled at by boys a few times, but none had this much intensity.
Customers who heard the voice gather around, wondering what happened.
"Sorry for shouting. But just as you can't take your eyes off Toya, Kanna-san, I can't take my eyes off you."
What is that supposed to mean?
"Isn't that a bit too convenient, after you were the one who dumped me?"
"The Kanna-san from back then and the Kanna-san now are different."
Different?
I might indeed be starting to give up.
For now, the public gaze is painful.
"I'll listen to everything slowly on the way home, so for now let's go back to the room... everyone's probably worried."
"I guess so."
Saying that, Makoto and I returned to the room together.
After karaoke ended, we played at the sports facility.
There are also internet cafes and massages here.
While everyone was playing noisily, I waited for Makoto on a bench.
"I bought some juice... want some?"
I took the juice from Makoto and took a sip.
"So, how am I different?"
"Eh?"
"How is the me from before and the me now different? It hasn't even been half a year."
"The old Kanna-san was solely facing Toya. But lately, it's different."
"It's the same... I'm still looking at Toya."
"You're forcing yourself, aren't you?"
"Don't decide that on your own."
"Anyone could tell. No, maybe it's because it's me that I can tell?"
"Why is that?"
"Because just as you were looking at Toya, I was looking only at you, Kanna-san."
Saying such convenient things...
"I said it before, but you're the one who dumped me first, Makoto."
"I admit there's some calculating thought involved. If it's the current Kanna-san, even I could make you happier than you are now."
"You're hitting on me knowing all that. You've really got some nerve."
"I'm not asking for a 'yes' right now. You can keep chasing him until you're satisfied. But, even if you give up and decide it's no use, I'm here... though it's a pathetic story."
Makoto laughs self-deprecatingly.
...Thanks... but.
"Sorry."
"I know, don't worry about it. I feel refreshed having said what I wanted to say. Thanks."
"Well, shall we play too?" Makoto says, grabbing my hand.
"Is it okay...?"
Is it really okay to depend on Makoto?
"...I told you not to worry about it."
"Yeah."
"Then, let's go."
"Yeah."
(3)
After playing for a while, we ate at a family restaurant and went home.
On the way back, Makoto walked me home.
"I had fun today, thanks."
"Don't mention it, we're friends, right?"
Those words pierce my heart.
After being that kind, can he just settle for being friends?
Maybe it was just a momentary lapse.
Maybe I was temporarily swept away by emotion.
"Do you want to stop by my house for a bit?"
"No, I'm fine. Your parents are there, right?"
"They're not, they're at work today."
"Kanna-san, I didn't act kindly with that intention."
"I know. It's not like I mind letting a friend into my house, right?"
Friends. What a convenient word.
My heart hurt again.
Unlike with Toya, Makoto is strangely composed.
Is he used to entering girls' rooms?
As expected, a popular guy is different.
I prepare tea and return to the room.
"Ah, thanks."
"This is all I have, though."
Silence flows.
No, I can't stand the silence.
I'm the one who invited him, this can't be happening.
Unable to bear it, I turned on the TV.
They were still airing New Year specials.
The two of us watched and laughed.
"Hey?"
"What?"
"Can I ask for your number again?"
"...Did you delete it?"
"Yeah."
"080--"
He registers it in his phone immediately.
"But even if it's not a direct call, just messages—"
"There might be times I want to talk for a long time, right? I don't have Wi-Fi at home."
"Ah, I see."
"...Can I call you occasionally?"
"Yeah, I'll listen if it's just complaining or something."
"Thanks."
"Don't worry about it, we're friends, right?"
Friends.
It really is a convenient word.
My heart wavers.
"Sorry."
I apologized for no reason.
"It's okay. I'm happy just having you as a friend."
He's kind to the very end.
Didn't he say half-hearted kindness is cruel?
Ah, I'm the same, aren't I?
Am I hurting Makoto?
Am I making Makoto expect something?
I don't intend to.
I tell myself that.
"Hey, can I give you an answer now?"
"...No."
"Eh?"
"You said you'd wait, right?"
Saying that, Makoto is laughing while watching TV.
Before I knew it, I had pushed Makoto down.
"Why are you always so half-hearted? I told you I like you, right? If so—"
"Right now, you're wavering, Kanna-san, aren't you? You haven't been able to forget Toya yet, have you?"
"I'll never be able to forget him! Are you telling me to be alone for the rest of my life!? ...Makoto, you make me forget him."
As I said that, I clung to Makoto.
"Kanna-san, that's just you feeling sympathy for me, not liking me or anything like that."
"I'll make an effort to like you!"
"Liking someone isn't something you do by making an effort."
"You're so dense when it comes to yourself!"
Isn't this enough?
It's not that anyone will do.
I just want to depend on Makoto's kindness.
Isn't that liking him?
"I like you, Makoto."
I realized I like Makoto, who always speaks to me kindly.
He's much kinder than Toya.
Is it wrong that I'm comparing them?
"I can't meet your expectations, Kanna-san. I told you before, right? I can't become Toya."
"Stop talking about Toya!"
"You are still bothered by it!"
"It's natural to be bothered after a heartbreak, isn't it!?"
"Even if we date now, it'll just be a repeat of before, right?"
Makoto persuades me as if soothing a child.
I knew I was being reckless myself.
Even so...
Before I knew it, I was kissing Makoto.
A long kiss.
When the kiss ended, Makoto said.
"If you do things like that... I'll start expecting things again, you know?"
I nodded slowly.
Then I buried my face in Makoto's face.
"Please... make me forget."
"...Yeah."
Makoto left around 10 PM.
Around 10:30 PM, my smartphone rings.
A message from Makoto.
"Just got home. I'll sleep after I take a bath. Thanks for today. Good night."
I reply to Makoto.
"Thank you too. See you. Good night."
Was I too blunt?
This is fine, right?
Toya... you'll make me forget him, right?
Expectation and anxiety mingle.
I take a bath and wash all of it away.
Then I played games.
(4)
The next day, I woke up to a message.
"Good morning. It's cold today too!"
It's from Makoto.
"Good morning, I just woke up."
Mother had already left for work.
I look at the clock.
My groggy eyes snap awake.
It's 10:30.
Crap, I'm completely late!
I can skip breakfast!
Clothes... whatever's fine!
I grab my bag and hurry to Toya's house.
"Sorry! I have studying to do at Toya's house!"
Toya...
I feel like I'm doing something bad to Makoto.
"I get it. I'll come pick you up."
"Eh? You don't have to."
"Because I get anxious when Toya and Kanna-san are together... anyway, I have club activities."
Anxious.
That's true.
But that worry is unnecessary.
Lately, there's also Airi's surveillance.
... "I won't lose."
It's a complete loss.
Without realizing it, I was crying.
Even so, it's fine.
I look forward to the start of a new love.
If it's Makoto, he'll let me depend on him.
Much more than someone like Toya... surely...