Chapter 376 - The Name of Paradise is Abyss
(1)
"Toya-san, it is time."
When awakened by Airi, I quickly prepare.
We buy breakfast at a Convenience Store.
Boarding the train, we head for Sapporo on a limited express train for nearly four hours.
After that, we take the limited express bound for Asahikawa, and via Asahikawa, we board the limited express bound for Wakkanai.
For lunch, maybe we should just buy a station bento when we arrive at Sapporo Station?
A long journey of a little over nine hours in total.
I was fascinated by the scenery I was seeing for the first time.
"It is a wonderful place, isn't it?"
Airi says.
"It is."
"Toya-san's head is full of thoughts about station bento, isn't it?"
"Well, yes, I am torn. The Three Great Crabs Taste-Comparison Bento and the Ishikari Salmon Rice."
Both are hard to discard.
Then Airi laughs.
"What am I here for? Why don't we just buy both? Why don't we compare the tastes?"
"Is that okay?"
"I cannot finish it all by myself anyway, so I would be happy if Toya-san ate it."
Something I have felt since the time Airi changed how she addresses me.
She has become gentler than before.
I find her more precious than before.
As if she accepts all of me, as if she wraps around me.
"What is the matter?"
"No, I just thought Airi has changed."
"Eh?"
"Like, you've become more feminine, or..."
"Thank you very much."
Airi says so and smiles.
We arrived at Sapporo Station.
There is time to buy bento.
We buy bento and board the train.
To Asahikawa, it is a little over an hour. Since the transfer time is only a little over ten minutes, we give up on buying bento.
From there, a long journey of nearly four hours to Wakkanai.
Seeing scenery different from usual is truly moving, and I am captivated.
Airi is reading a book.
Perhaps because it was early in the morning, or perhaps because she has grown bored, even Airi begins to nod off, her head drooping.
To Airi. When I tell her she can use my shoulder, she says thank you, rests her head on my shoulder, and begins to sleep.
With Airi on my shoulder, we were heading toward the northernmost extremity.
(2)
"Ai-chan, are you okay?"
"My physical condition is fine. I recovered after resting for one night."
"You must not push yourself too hard."
"Thank you, Emi."
Though there are things that are not okay.
"Even so, we cannot leave Kiritani-kun alone, can we?"
Akira said.
That idiot is certainly a severe case.
I never thought he had fallen that far.
He has been out at his part-time job since this morning.
He probably wants to pay back his debt quickly.
In the morning, he also got up by himself, prepared, and went out.
Leaving behind the words, "Take a good rest today."
Why not just manage his wallet?
There was also such an opinion.
If he does it next time, I intend to do so.
As for money, cash cannot be left at home.
It needs to be put into an account.
The girls' group chat was blowing up.
The cause was Eita.
Of course, the Watanabe group's chat was also blowing up.
The men say nothing.
"Surely you guys aren't doing it too, are you?"
When Akira said that, everyone said they were not doing it.
Even Tada-kun denied it.
Saying they have not fallen that low.
"Did Ai forgive him with just that?"
Kana asked.
"Well, it is his first offense, after all."
"He might have become addicted, you know?"
Touching important money means there is that possibility.
Honoka is also worried.
Alcohol, women, cars, gambling.
A truly hopeless man.
I, who easily forgive such a guy, must also be out of my mind.
Is it not me, being like this, who is making him fall?
I also thought that.
But even with such an idiot, when I see him reflecting on his actions, even if only temporarily, there is a part of me that wants to try believing in him.
Still, something to bind him is necessary.
I cannot keep watch over him twenty-four hours a day.
Is there not some good measure?
There is also a problem with me, who cannot pay attention to him because of my part-time job.
I also thought that.
The smartphone rings.
It is from Eita.
"Is your physical condition okay? I will be home soon."
It was a message with such content.
Today, messages come from him many times.
What are you doing now?
How is your physical condition?
It was such content.
When I look at him being so devoted, he ends up looking precious to me.
While immersed in such a paradise, what lies ahead is the bottom of the abyss.
Perhaps what is called paradise is the abyss.
While seeking each other with distorted love and looking forward to the ideal harvest, they blindly continue to pay a massive sacrifice, finally reaching their hands even to the stardust.
If one falls honestly without being misled by the sandwiched paradise, that place is the abyss.
Where do you come from, and where do you go?
Whose illusion is all of this?
Falling without noticing the outstretched hand,
Paradise is wearied of, paradise is mourned, paradise is the end of desire.
Seeking a peaceful sleep, falling with a smile.
An illusion leading to decadence, a love story that continues to spin immorality.
The sadness born to embrace mourning.
The door that is opened time and again.
The name of that paradise is the abyss.
I am crying.
Is that my imagination?
It is no longer that kind of place. Surely, it is my imagination.
There is no way one would cry in paradise.
Because it is paradise.
But somewhere, I am crying.
Crying in a world with neither sadness nor suffering.
A world overflowing with happiness is precisely paradise.
Because it is paradise.
But in truth, I know, the true identity of paradise is...
The destination after falling as far as one can fall is paradise.
Its true identity is the abyss.
"What do you intend to do with Kiritani-kun from now on, Ai?"
Honoka asked.
What should I do...
Should I try believing in him once more?
Paradise is born, paradise is pain, paradise is the end of desire.
No matter how useless a man is, there is no choice but to bet on a slight hope and believe in him.
That is what marriage is.
The true identity of the paradise called married life is the abyss.
Do those two also know about that?
"Maybe there is no choice but to try believing in him once more, we have no choice."
My appeal from the bottom of my heart must have reached Eita, must have resonated with him.
This time for sure, Eita has been reborn.
Even if he fell into the abyss until reaching that paradise.
Marriage is the graveyard of life...
"Even Honoka must have noticed, right? That we have no choice."
"That is true. Perhaps it is precisely because there are feelings of caring for the other person that one ends up making them fall."
"Marriage seems tough, doesn't it?"
Misato said.
"That is right, paying a massive sacrifice to obtain a tiny bit of happiness."
That is the same even if one is not married.
Hurting each other, cracking, while rolling along together.
But there is also hope.
Rolling little by little toward where the light shines.
While clashing against each other over and over again.
Because if there are feelings of thinking of each other, it will surely reach.
At that moment, the smartphone rang.
"I am heading home now."
I look at the clock, is it already this time?
"Sorry, I should head home soon. I have to prepare dinner."
"Yes, I suppose I should head home soon too."
"I will head home too."
When I say that, Emi and Kana also say so.
"Thank you very much."
With Misato's voice at our backs, we head toward reality.
While showing an endless interest in paradise, a question repeated time and again.
We fall time and again.
(3)
"Well then, thank you for your hard work, senpai-tachi!"
When one of the third-years says that, the banquet begins.
"Sa, thank you for your hard work."
On this day of all days, Sakurako is also gentle.
Today is the retirement match of the men's basketball team.
It ended in our complete victory.
However, the problem is from next school year onward.
From next school year, when all the main players will leave.
"Please do not worry. We will definitely achieve a three-peat in the spring tournament... and make it into the first division league!"
The enthusiastic third-years.
Sho is at center.
A tactic centered around Sho has already been constructed.
It seems there are no worries about the women's basketball team either.
Already reigning as a powerhouse team in Kyushu. The women's basketball team.
They are able to compete with that women's basketball team.
There should be no problem.
"Senpai, you are going to continue playing basketball even after becoming a working adult, right?"
Sho asked.
"Yeah, I decided on my employment with that intention."
The joy of being able to continue playing basketball from now on.
"More importantly, are things going well between you and Chitose?"
I asked Sho.
"Yes, thanks to you."
"We have to strictly train Chitose next year too. Since I will graduate in one more year."
Sakurako says.
Even so, Chitose is quick to understand.
She is already able to do at least support work for Sakurako.
She also understands basketball quite well.
"Another nagging manager is born, huh."
I say so and drink beer.
"Wait, Sa, what do you mean by that!?"
"Exactly what it means."
"You two really get along well, don't you."
It seems to look that way in Sota's eyes.
"Don't you need to keep Murakawa company?"
"The women are having a lively time, so I came over here so as not to get in the way."
"But I wished Toya had played in at least the last match."
Kyota says.
"That's right. It wasn't an official match anyway."
"Even if there is a slight possibility of him returning to basketball. The coach probably wanted to crush that kind of thing."
Sakurako says.
She says that is for Toya's sake.
Once Toya fulfilled his own desire, he easily withdrew from basketball.
It seems he had no regrets.
Because it was something he had been thinking about since the time he started taking basketball seriously.
Toya expressed what he felt in the Olympics final as a sense of accomplishment.
He has seen the top of the world.
A world that only a handful of people are permitted to see.
He must have been satisfied after seeing that.
It seems he still has sponsors even now.
But that contract also ends this year.
From then on, he will be a genuine, ordinary citizen.
If that is what Toya wished for, no one will stop him.
When the first party ended, we decided to go home.
"Since we are here, let's stay."
Sota says.
"Sorry, but I have some fun planned with Sakurako from now on."
"W-What are you saying, Sa!"
"If that is the case, then it cannot be helped."
Sota said so, told everyone, "Well then, this way!", and disappeared into the night town.
"Toma-senpai does not change until the very end, does he."
"Though his personality changes when he plays."
"That is true."
Sakurako says so and laughs.
"Hey, I am going to work starting next month."
"I know that, you know? Did something happen with that?"
"I will have a decent monthly income. I can support at least Sakurako."
"...Sa?"
"Even if it is after the consecutive holidays, I am thinking of moving. Of course, Sakurako together with me..."
"...If you do not mind a nagging manager being with you."
So saying, Sakurako laughs.
"You are also coming to the graduation trip next weekend, right, Sakurako?"
"About that, is it really okay for me to go along? Only the graduates are going, right?"
"With everyone around being couples, are you going to make me be the only one alone? How cruel of you, Sakurako."
"So that is how it is."
Sakurako parks her car in the parking lot of my apartment.
"Sa should get a license too, though?"
"I have one, you know?"
"Then, why do you not buy a car?"
"I was immersed in basketball and did not have the money to buy a car."
"I see... Just so you know,"
"No sports cars. That is what you want to say, right?"
"Because I do not want you to ruin your whole life in an accident."
"I know."
Today, my university basketball life came to an end.
I chose the path of corporate basketball.
Toya chose life with his girlfriend, and I chose basketball.
Just that difference.
Perhaps that difference is not so big either.
Since each of us has a different partner.
For now, I decided to take a brief rest.
(4)
"Well then, see you."
"Yes, see you next week."
Saying so, Sho went home.
When I return home and take a shower, I fiddle with my smartphone in my room.
Today as well, the silly conversations of the Watanabe group are exchanged.
Yesterday, it was blowing up.
The cause was Kiritani-senpai's gambling.
It seems he even touched important money.
The women were angry.
Why does Ai-senpai try to devote herself to a man who goes that far?
Ai-senpai says, "It cannot be helped."
She says that is what it means to love someone.
I still could not understand it.
Because I cannot understand, I worry.
If Sho did such a thing, what would I do?
I tried thinking from there.
There is no way that would happen with Sho.
That was my conclusion.
But what do I know about Sho?
A person who loves basketball to no end.
A person who loves me.
A troublesome person who also loves cars and occasionally drives roughly.
A person who is always thinking of me.
What does he know about me?
What does he think of me?
I become anxious.
Even with a fragile blanket, one can dream; I have not forgotten the warmth of the day I learned of love.
The beloved world sinking as if sleeping is at the bottom of the water.
As if the end of illusions is beckoning, the door was opened.
The beloved smiling face floating up as if revolving is right there.
Paradise and the abyss attracting each other in the gap between the door of beginning and the door of ending.
A woman and a man seeking each other while staining their hands with the forbidden and falling in love time and again.
The illusion that paradise shows time and again, that is the trace of the lost paradise.
How many illusions will that beautiful, barren world set running...
The forbidden fruit is sweet. And it corrupts people.
Did I also begin to fall from the day I learned of love?
Is that what it means to fall in love?
The sin of forgiving while knowing it is wrong.
People call that love.
Did I touch something that must not be touched?
But with just a single word of a message, such anxiety is blown away.
"I am going to sleep now. Good night."
"Good night."
A meaningless message.
The true meaning of that message is something very warm.
Embracing his true meaning in my chest, I also fell asleep.
(5)
When we arrived in Wakkanai, it was evening.
We check into the hotel and soothe the fatigue of the journey.
"Toya-san, shall we go eat dinner?"
"That is true, I want to eat something typical of Hokkaido."
"That is true."
We entered a shop we found in the travel guide we looked at together with Airi, and ate dinner.
I think I will go to Cape Soya tomorrow morning.
After eating dinner, we returned to the hotel.
We take a shower and watch television together.
"Is Toya-san not interested in gambling or anything like that?"
Airi asked.
"Hmm, I suppose I am not very interested?"
"Why is that?"
"Let us say it is horse racing, for example."
"Yes."
"When looking at the paddock, I end up understanding, you see?"
"Eh?"
"When looking at the state of the horses, the moon tells me." (T/N: Toya uses an idiosyncratic, inexplicable expression here, referring to an intuitive feeling as "the moon telling him.")
"I am sorry, I do not understand what you mean at all..."
"You must not play a game you cannot win, but playing a gamble where the victory is already decided is also boring, right?"
"...If Toya-san is not interested, then that is fine."
Airi says so and laughs.
"You are returning to your hometown tomorrow, right?"
"That is true."
"Next weekend, it is Okinawa this time, right?"
"That is true."
"Does Toya-san have any food you are aiming for?"
"The thing is, I do not have any, you see?"
"Eh?"
"I dislike goya and such."
"Even Toya-san has things you dislike..."
Airi was surprised.
"I told you before that I disliked gratin, right?"
"That is true."
"Then, there is no need to learn Okinawa cuisine, is there?" Airi says.
"Tomorrow is early too, shall we sleep?"
"Yes."
When I get into bed with Airi, I fall asleep.
The name of paradise is the abyss.
A world falling endlessly because of its sweetness.
But if it is with Airi, let us fall endlessly.
To the bottom of the darkness.
I will show that I can grasp the light of hope at the bottom of despair.
People cannot live alone.
As if learning to depend on others when admitting one's weakness,
falling endlessly.
No one is that strong.
That is precisely why we possess a soul that cares for the person next to us now.