Chapter 84 - The Story of Losing the Meaning of Life
The still, freezing cold air woke Rei. In her vision, which appeared hazy in places, she looked at the clock on the sideboard next to the bed. The time was 6:00 AM; in another 30 minutes, everyone would start waking up. The sky visible from the window was still dark.
Turning her gaze to the side, she saw the face of a female student wrapped in a blanket, sleeping on the same bed. She was a second-year junior who had come to Rei last night to confess her anxieties. And just like that, Rei had ended up bringing her into her bed as usual.
Rei was aware that she wasn't a conventional person, but she rationalized this as something necessary. To distract from anxiety, one must provide something greater. Either anger, or pleasure. Rei had simply chosen the latter.
The prolonged, isolated life was steadily eroding the students' hearts. Although they had avoided being directly attacked by the infected, there was no one else besides the 11 people remaining at the academy. Power transmission had stopped, and the trucks from the supplier that came a few times a month to bring ingredients had stopped coming. They couldn't contact their parents or friends outside the academy either—. In such an environment, it was impossible not to feel fear or anxiety.
A month after the life of only 11 people began, students started appearing who voiced the anxieties and fears they had suppressed until then. Fear is like an infectious disease, spreading to those around you. Supplies were abundant, and electricity was available. There was no worry of the academy, surrounded by forest, being attacked by infected, but there was nothing to be done about the human heart. No matter how sturdy a fortress is, the ones using it are humans.
At this rate, the students would be driven by fear and there was no telling what actions they might take. The action Rei took upon making that judgment was this. She had originally thought it wasn't bad to be liked by girls, and for Rei, whose policy was "use everything available," it was a small price to pay if she could suppress the students' fears using her own body.
Thanks to Rei's actions and the pseudo-counseling by the third-years and Yuko, the students regained their peace once more. However, since that boy arrived, fear had begun to envelop the students again.
Rei, softly slipping out of bed so as not to wake the sleeping second-year girl, began putting on the clothes she had left scattered on the floor. There was still time before waking up, but she was wide awake. Rei, dressed in her uniform, opened the room door and began walking down the dim, deserted hallway.
"Hm?"
When she happened to reach the covered walkway to the school building, she saw a single figure leaving from the entrance. She couldn't see the face because it was dim outside, but it was likely that boy. Since the students originally at the academy slept in the dorms, the only one remaining in the school building was the boy.
He still slept and woke in the deserted school building at night. More than a week had already passed since the boy arrived, but so far no problems had occurred. On the contrary, since the boy arrived, heavy labor had become easier. Although he didn't volunteer his help, the boy accepted requests if asked. Rei speculated that he was likely trying to show he wasn't a threat, but there was no doubt he was being useful.
For Rei, whose catchphrase was "utilize everything available," that boy was an existence she wanted to pull to their side no matter what. If he were there, their survival probability would increase significantly. Now that supplies were also running low, sooner or later the students would have to go outside. Until now, they had pampered themselves with the abundance of supplies and kept making various excuses to stay holed up within the academy grounds, but the limit had finally come.
However, with themselves who didn't even have weapons and didn't know how to fight, they would likely be taken out by infected or rioters in no time. But if that boy with the guns were there, the situation would be a bit better.
The problem was whether he would cooperate smoothly. Aki had said she talked to him the other day, but it seemed he had no intention of making comrades. Hearing Aki's story, Rei speculated that he wasn't just wary of them, but was afraid of losing precious existences.
Then, if they became existences whose interests aligned rather than comrades, he would likely cooperate with them. However, Rei and the others had nothing to give the boy. Food would eventually run out, and the generator, which was only receiving rough maintenance, could break at any time. Without a reward, he shouldn't intend to stay here.
"I guess a honey trap is the only way..."
As if completely unaware of Rei muttering such a thing, the boy entered the van parked at the entrance.
The air inside the car was still freezing cold, but the cold air woke him up. The boy, climbing into the car from the side door as usual, peeled back the blue tarp on the back seat and picked up the gun connected by a chain.
The students of the academy didn't know, but the boy had been performing a foot patrol of the academy grounds every morning since coming here. It wasn't for the students' sake, but his usual action of wanting to survive himself.
The students here were too peaceful-minded and didn't even perform proper patrols. When it snowed, they didn't go outside and only monitored by looking out the windows of their rooms. The boy was amazed that they hadn't allowed any intruders until now in such a situation.
They seemed to hold a certain sense of crisis, but it was still not enough. He had no obligation at all to help them, but he couldn't overlook the current situation. If one lets their guard down, the price will be paid with one's own life.
Removing the chain, he picked up the shotgun. It was a standard hunting shotgun with a wooden stock and foreend, with a capacity of two rounds. If he pre-loaded one in the chamber, it could hold three, but even so, it was little different from a double-barreled shotgun.
When he pulled the foreend attached parallel to the bottom of the barrel, the bolt retreated and the empty chamber was exposed. He loaded one shot shell taken from the safe into it and returned the foreend. Furthermore, when he pushed two shells into the tube magazine from the loading gate in front of the trigger, a total of three were loaded.
Originally it could hold more, but it had been modified so the capacity was two rounds to match Japan's Firearms and Swords Law. He had succeeded in increasing the capacity of the rifle to 20 rounds by changing the magazine, but there was nothing to be done about this. However, since he would also bring a handgun as a backup, the firepower would be sufficient.
He passed the chain through the remaining guns again, covered them, and the boy got out of the car. Bringing guns into the school building was strictly restricted by Yuko, but he hadn't been told he couldn't carry a rifle or shotgun outside the school building. If he encountered infected, it would be reckless to oppose them with only a handgun.
While treading on the significantly melted snow, he first cut across the schoolyard and headed south. It had snowed for several days and accumulated quite a bit, but from the other day, the sky had begun to clear. It snowed occasionally, but it was melting steadily. At this rate, the accumulation would be resolved enough not to hinder driving in another few days.
The snow that had frozen from the cold during the night made a crunching sound under his boots. Although it had melted quite a bit, snow still remained up to about the height of his boots. Considering that it might snow again in the future, he didn't feel like leaving here immediately just because the snow had melted. If it snowed again right after departing and he became unable to move, he might truly freeze to death this time.
A forest spread to the south of the schoolyard. Although the grounds were surrounded by a fence, one could easily enter if they tried. The students had added barricades to some parts, but it didn't cover the whole area.
He walked along the fence around the grounds. Part of the forest was also included in the academy grounds, and visibility was poor there because the trees were overgrown. The boy thought that if an intruder were to come, it would be there. If he were an intruder, he would try to enter from a place where it was hard to be found.
On the south side of the schoolyard, several prefabricated sports equipment warehouses and tool rooms stood in a row, and the forest continued behind them. When he stepped into the forest, the surroundings suddenly became dim. Perhaps because not much sun hit it, snow was still piled up. Branches and leaves that couldn't withstand the weight of the snow were scattered in the pure white forest.
For the boy, who grew up in a relatively warm region, snow was a rarity. Snow only fell a few times a year, and accumulation only happened once every few years. The day after it snowed, he used to play around outside. He suddenly remembered the innocent past, and then, as usual, he fell into a gloomy mood.
The area where the boy lived had been burned down in the chaos during the pandemic. His father and mother, who told him about it the morning after it snowed, and his friends who played together until the snow melted and became covered in mud, were no longer in this world. Every time he immersed himself in old memories, those facts also peeked their faces out along with them.
His family was dead, his friends were dead. The house he would return to was already lost, and the people who knew the boy had likely mostly died or turned into infected. His dreams for the future and the youth he was supposed to spend were lost forever.
The boy had not yet found the answer to what he was living for. He lived because he was afraid to die, he lived because he hadn't died yet. Even if asked "Why?", he couldn't return an answer.
When there was a girl who was a comrade he acted with before, a sense of mission to protect her also began to be born. But immediately after, she died, and the answer he had almost grasped was lost, and instead, a sense of loss and emptiness began to fill the boy's heart.
"Come to think of it, I forgot to say one thing."
When he did the snow removal on the roof of the school building the other day, Aki asked him, "Aren't you going to make comrades?" At that time, there was something he had forgotten to tell her. The answer to why he didn't make comrades.
The answer is simple. People die easily. Especially in a world like this, it's not strange for anyone to die at any time. The reason the boy was able to survive the chaos of the pandemic was because he was lucky.
In such a state, he couldn't afford to make precious people. Family, friends, and even precious comrades die easily. And he knew through his own body what kind of feeling one tastes at that time.
One must not seek the meaning of life in other humans. That was also one of the "rules" the boy had established. Because if that person dies, the meaning of life will be lost. In that case, it's better to live for oneself rather than for other humans from the start. That way, he wouldn't have to experience such despair or sadness again.
Aki criticized the boy for not being forward-looking. But what's wrong with being backward-looking? It's a "rule" to not repeat the same mistake again. It's much more decent than letting other people die because of oneself.
"...I'm not wrong."
Yes, he is right. The boy told himself so. He was just taking the best actions to survive; where was he wrong in that? If one dies, everything is over.
However, it was also a fact that every time he thought so, the sense of emptiness grew larger somewhere in his heart. He felt like a pitch-black mass, like a black hole, was spreading within him. When that sense of emptiness eventually dominates everything, what on earth will happen to me?
Lately, he felt his talking to himself had increased. As if he were desperately glossing over the sadness of losing his comrades.
I await your opinions and impressions.