Chapter 109 - As I Am
(1)
"Good morning, Toya-kun~♪"
Ah, right, today's the start of second term, isn't it?
Makoto and the others were amazing.
Even though that guy from Tenzan High didn't actually go study abroad in Paraguay, making it to the top four is incredible.
With a record like that, he should be fine for a Private University too.
Is his future path already decided, a step ahead of us?
Huh? If I'm jealous, I should just apply too, you say?
Without any achievements, that's impossible.
Well, he's still getting scouted for the Olympics representative team and all.
They're surprisingly persistent.
Apparently someone got injured or something, so they're pushing hard.
Not that it matters to me since I'm not going.
"Good morning~, I'm talking to you~♪"
We have another mock exam right after second term ends.
I studied hard during summer break, so it should probably be fine.
I'm used to it now.
Lately I've been able to immerse myself in studying too.
I can even immerse myself right after waking up.
I'm already immersed in thought from this morning, you see.
Don't worry, I know you're here, Airi.
You're in a good mood from the morning.
"Ugh... you're already 'in it' from the morning again, aren't you?"
That's right, I'm in it.
So you come 'in' too, Airi.
I'll wrap you up warmly.
I think I've grown from the training camp with you, you know?
You understand what I mean, right?
Kanna said she was going to school with Makoto, so she left early, right?
She's not here today, right?
You understand my world too, Airi.
Right now, I'm filled with thoughts of you.
Sharing a world is nice, isn't it?
I'll teach you that you shouldn't make fun of a boy's sexual desires.
Pokk
I got hit.
"I know what you're thinking, Toya-kun. But not in the morning! We'll be late!"
"Even so, you don't have to hit me."
That really hurt.
"Take this!"
The towel blanket was ripped off.
"I won't be fooled! You don't really want to cuddle, you just don't want to get up!"
I gently hug Airi.
"W-Wait, Toya-kun!?"
"You still can't read my heart properly, it seems."
I press Airi's head against my chest.
"Here, try reading it properly?"
Airi closes her eyes and tries to read my heart.
She makes a slightly embarrassed face.
And then...
Pokk
Ouch.
"You pervert, Toya-kun! ...Wait until tonight, okay. Now, get changed, get changed."
So night is okay?
"Are you planning to stay over again?"
"That depends on your actions tonight, Toya-kun. You have to focus on studying during study time, okay?"
"I know."
And when we mess around, we mess around to the fullest, right?
(2)
I wake up an hour earlier than usual.
Then, after getting ready and leaving the house... Makoto was standing there.
"What are you doing?"
"What else? Waiting for Kanna, obviously."
"Just standing blankly in front of someone's house makes you look like a suspicious person."
The police have been patrolling occasionally since that incident.
You might get caught if you're not careful.
"You could have just rung the doorbell and waited inside."
"Seeing Kanna right after she wakes up wouldn't be bad, but seeing that in the morning would get me all worked up, you know? So I held back."
"Saying stupid things from the morning."
"Don't underestimate a man's sexual desires."
"There are also idiots who think about food even when hugging someone in the morning."
"Toya's in a league of his own."
Those two changed after the three-party meeting too.
I can tell clearly since I study with them.
Sometimes they make time for just the two of them.
When that happens, I quietly leave.
I probably couldn't imitate that, no matter what.
Still, it's been three years since they started dating.
Isn't it about time someone thought about my feelings?
"Well, I'm heading this way."
"Yeah, see you."
"I'll pick you up on the way back. My part-time job place is fine, right?"
"Do you have time for that?"
"I'll just join for the basic training, so it's fine!"
"Got it."
"See you!"
He's surprisingly attentive sometimes.
I arrived at school early.
Wondering what to do~, I went to the classroom and found Isshy there.
"Oh? Otonashi-san, you're early today."
"You're the one who's here this early every day, Isshy."
I put my bag at my desk and sat in front of Isshy's desk.
"I've gotten into the habit of leaving early in the morning."
That's admirable. I wish someone I know would learn from him.
"Speaking of which, how have things been since Golden Week? Any progress..."
When I said that, Isshy blushed and looked down.
"There... has been progress."
"Well, that's great! Did you spend the summer together!?"
"At her family's villa..."
"That's amazing!"
"I bought some juice, Isshy... Oh, Kanna-chan!? Good morning."
Emi came over.
I see, so this is how they make time for just the two of them every morning.
"What's wrong, Kanna-chan? So early in the morning."
"Makoto... [my] boyfriend started commuting from home. So I adjusted my time to match his for going to school, and it ended up being this early."
"That sounds tough."
"You seem to have it tough too, Emi. You commute from Sumi, right?"
"Isshy comes from Honmachi too, so it's not that different."
As the three of us chatted for a while, other students started coming into the classroom.
Toya and Airi came in too.
"Good morning, Kanna."
The last ones to enter from the so-called Watanabe group were Ai and Eita.
"Eita! It's your fault we barely made it!"
"I couldn't help it! The bus was late!"
These two haven't changed at all.
Time to go back to my seat.
Toya, in the seat behind me, was slumped over his desk, sleeping.
"The teacher will be here soon."
I whisper to Toya, and he wakes up.
Mizuta-sensei enters the room.
After homeroom, we move to the gymnasium.
The second term begins.
(3)
Sunday, 6 PM.
I arrive at Kanna's house and ring the doorbell.
Kanna comes out.
She's wearing a white T-shirt, jeans, and a gilet over them.
We head to the station square by bus.
A small Italian restaurant located past the shopping street in front of the station.
Each table has a partition curtain.
Here, we can create a space for just the two of us without worrying about our surroundings.
All-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink for two hours.
Kanna wanted alcohol, but she held back because she knows I have the private university interview exam in about three months.
"An interview-only exam is nice, huh."
"We're doing intense training on how to handle interviews at school."
Before that, I have to write my reasons for applying, though.
Reasons for applying are all just templates anyway, right?
I don't think there's any point in making us write them.
They're going to ask in the interview anyway, aren't they?
And then they'll throw in a nasty question like, "Did the school tell you to say that?" right?
I've heard from seniors, so I pretty much know.
"Is Toya going to the local university after all?"
"He seems to be planning to. Apparently he got persuaded at the three-party meeting, but they said 'You could aim for a rank higher, you know.'"
"Did he match Kanna's choice?"
"No, apparently Airi said something like 'If Toya-kun fails, I'll be a ronin too,' so he probably wants to play it safe."
"Tosaka-san said that?"
I nearly spat out the juice I was drinking.
"He seems to be regretting it now, though."
Kanna talks while picking at the salad.
Well, that must be pressure for Toya too.
If he fails, he'd be making that Tosaka-san waste a year.
"He said he'd just quietly take the soccer test if that happened."
Soccer as a safety school.
What an enviable choice.
"In that case, why doesn't he just apply to the private university? He'd easily get a sports recommendation."
"He doesn't have the achievements. Well, apparently he was mentioned as a candidate for the Olympics representative team or something..."
"Seriously? If he took that, there'd be no problem."
"He seems to have his own way of thinking about it. Like, if he plays soccer now, it might just make Airi anxious. They apparently argued about his future path the other day."
"Don't you think that kind of thinking is actually making Tosaka-san suffer more?"
"They apparently talked it out after the three-party meeting. Toya seems to have properly accepted Airi's feelings. Airi was overjoyed, saying 'Toya-kun became so kind~.'"
"What does Toya say about it?"
Kanna answered while dividing the pasta onto plates.
"He said something like, 'Even Airi has times when she wavers. Supporting her properly is what I can do.'"
"Toya's really grown up, huh."
"Seeing those two, I really feel that love changes people."
"The feeling of being left behind is overwhelming."
"You have your own pace, Makoto, right? I'll wait patiently. For now, I need to do something about that perverted habit of yours."
"Men have their own sense of romance, you know."
"...Makoto, love really has changed you."
"You think so?"
I listened while Kanna cut up the meat dish for me.
"There's definitely a gap between how you act with other people and how you act with me."
The waiter came to ask for our last order of food.
We only ordered dessert, and the waiter left.
"Is that so? Well, maybe there are things I only tell you, Kanna."
"...That's not what I mean. Normally, you'd hide that perverted habit from your girlfriend."
"Because I want you to love me as I am."
"That's not something you should say while striking a pose, you know..."
"W-Well. I'm thinking about it after you cried, Kanna. I'll hold you, body and soul."
"When you say it, it always sounds perverted..."
That's prejudice, Kanna.
The last call for drinks came, so I ordered two iced coffees.
After eating dessert, I give Kanna a present.
"Today's your birthday, right, Kanna? Here."
"Thank you. Can I open it?"
"Yeah..."
Kanna opens the box to reveal two matching mugs.
"Well, half of it is my own wish, though. I wanted to drink coffee together in the morning with matching mugs... and if possible, wearing just a shirt with nothing underneath... ow!"
"The last part was unnecessary. Idiot!! ...It's fine anytime. Like when you come to stay over."
"You just said 'it's fine anytime,' right!"
"Y-Yeah, I did. What about it?"
Kanna looks bewildered.
An expression unimaginable from the usually dignified Kanna.
I love that gap. Kuh!
But this isn't the time to be moved.
I get to the main point.
"Why do you think I brought so much luggage today?"
"Why... don't tell me you..."
Kanna seems to have caught on.
"You got it! I brought my stuff for tomorrow so I can put it to use right away!"
Kanna is dumbfounded.
"You really spare no effort in your preparations for this kind of thing..."
"I told you, didn't I? That we'd mess around to our hearts' content after the Inter-High ended."
Kanna is thinking about something.
But from her expression, she probably won't say no.
Unlike Toya, I can't get inside Kanna's head.
Well, I get inside her in a different way.
But I can at least figure that much out.
"Fine..."
Yes!
Looks like I managed to score a goal.
How should I express this joy?
I want to make a fuss, but this isn't the pitch. It's inside a restaurant.
It'd be perfect if she'd let me take a picture... but that's probably not happening.
No, it might be worth a try.
I can only see the outcome of getting yelled at, but I might get to see an embarrassed Kanna.
That alone would be a win.
We paid the bill and left the restaurant.
(4)
The next morning.
I wake up before Makoto and start preparing breakfast.
...In the outfit Makoto requested.
It's hard to tell whose birthday we're celebrating.
I make coffee and go to wake Makoto...
When I return to the room, Makoto is holding up his smartphone...
Did he take it? Did he take it!?
"Makoto..."
"I got a perfect shot! Even that embarrassed expression of yours is perfectly... woah, violence is bad... wait, huh?"
Makoto is surprised, probably because I didn't react the way he expected.
My body freezes from shame and fear.
It's Makoto. There's nothing to be afraid of.
I know that, but my body is honest.
I slump down onto the floor right there.
Tears start to well up.
Sensing something is wrong, Makoto comes closer to me.
"I'm sorry, I took the joke too far. I'll delete it right now!"
Saying that, Makoto deletes the photo in front of me.
"Then don't do it in the first place."
"You're right. I'm sorry."
Makoto keeps apologizing.
I desperately pull myself together.
...Okay. I'm fine.
I stand up and put on my skirt.
Just then, Makoto hugs me from behind.
"Makoto, if you don't stop, I'll really get mad."
"Is it okay if I just stay like this?"
"...We don't have time. The coffee will get cold."
Saying that, I shake him off and head to the dining room.
Makoto also puts on clothes and sits down.
We eat breakfast together, then get ready and leave the house.
"Are you still mad?"
Unable to bear the silence, Makoto asks.
"No, I'm not mad."
"I see. That's good, then."
He probably thought if he said any more, he'd make me angry again.
He didn't say anything further.
"Hey, you might get mad, but are you still anxious? About your father."
He's perceptive about things like that.
"Well, yeah. When you took that picture, I had a flashback. I shrank from fear. You probably think it's strange, right? Even though I'm fine when you're holding me."
If anything, last night I felt your love more than usual, somehow.
That's why I went along with that kind of thing.
"I'll be careful from now on. I won't ask for too many weird things. So..."
"So what!? If you say something like 'don't leave me,' I'll really get mad!"
"Kanna?"
"You're the only one. You're the only one I can rely on. Last night too, you were gentler than usual. There's no way I could ever break up with you."
"...I understand."
"It's about time, right? I'm heading this way."
"Yeah, I'll stop by your part-time job on the way back."
"Okay."
Saying that, I watch Makoto walk away.
How many more times do I have to cry?
How many more times do I have to get hurt?
Where am I heading, even as I crack?
While envisioning positive things, Airi and the others navigate their days smoothly, like a river, without resistance, keeping their eyes on their feet.
That's something they earned by overcoming various conflicts.
Will similar days come for us too?
Sunday ends, and the cityscape comes back to life.
Makoto is my only support.
That's no lie.
What about Makoto?
He tells me he loves me.
Can I believe those words?
No, it doesn't matter.
Even if it's a lie, even if it's anything, just hold me.
Don't let go.
Until the dawn arrives.
Along with the new days that end the darkness.
Even if everything disappears today, even if I lose the light itself, as long as Makoto is here, that's fine.
I want to become someone who can love all of Makoto, the good parts and the bad parts, just as he is.